Category Archives: Jordan Zakarin

Cheney Announces Third Term as Shadow President

by Jordan Zakarin

In a video-teleconference with reporters from an undisclosed location, Dick Cheney announced that he will be seeking his third term as Shadow President in this November’s pseudo-elections. In front of a background that appeared to be some sort of cave and/or Naval control center, the 67-year old said that he would begin his superfluous, unseen campaign for the uncontested position on Monday, with a series of biographical high pitched subliminal tones broadcast on major television and radio networks.

“When I assumed this office in January 2001,” Cheney explained, “I had a number of things that I wanted to accomplish for this fine nation. Many of those things, we’ve gotten done, but I’ve yet to impose my will on the American people as fully as I deem satisfactory. As such, I will be serving a third term come 2009.

“Of course, I’ll certainly ‘campaign’ hard for it, but I’m confident that I will be the unanimous choice of those who make the decisions regarding such things.”

After taking a brief break to exacerbate hunger in Rwanda, Cheney described the accomplishments he was most proud of during his seven and a half years in shadow office.

“Well, certainly, the War in Iraq has to be considered at least one of the crowning achievements, if I’m being truthful,” the generally modest Cheney said. “I pulled that one off despite huge opposition worldwide, and the fact that we’ve been able to keep it going despite the abject hatred for it in this country now, really shows how much I’ve grown into this role.”

Boastfulness unleashed, the Shadow President began to rattle off a list of his top conquests, both domestic and international. “Now, of course, we’ve got the sinking economy, outsourcing of millions of jobs, and a little thing I like to call ‘four dollar ten cent a gallon oil,’ which, I won’t lie, feels good. Real good.”

Incredulous that he almost forgot to name it, Cheney then added, “oh, and probably chief amongst all of them, global warming. That’s long been a goal, since the 70’s at least, and we’re definitely on track with that one, I’m proud to say.”

As for the future and his third term as the dark overlord of American government, the Shadow Presidential candidate was hopeful of getting an even longer list of policy goals implemented, though he largely demured when it came to disclosing them.

“I think we’ve seen that the American people certainly don’t mind being left in the dark on most things, so long as we don’t violate certain standards, like four wheel drive and football on Sundays,” Cheney said. “Strong schools, clean drinking water, children playing in the sprinklers during summertime, celebrating Christmas with family and friends. These are the sorts of things that really matter to the American people, so maybe that’ll give you some idea of what I’m looking to do in this third term.”

Boca Hilton Manager Says He’d Vote for McCain

by Jordan Zakarin

Four years after presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain vacationed at a Hilton in Boca Raton, Florida, the luxury resort’s manager says that he will be voting for the GOP standard bearer come November.

In a wide-ranging interview, Roger Daniels says that he came to appreciate McCain over the Arizona Senator’s week long stay at the hotel that he has managed for the past six years, and has no doubts that, from what he saw, McCain would be a perfect fit to lead the free world.

“No doubt in my mind, the John McCain I got to know during those seven days, he’s a man of class and dignity,” Daniels said. “We see so many tourists every year, but sometimes, certain ones stick out, and he was definitely one that had ‘fun in the sun’ written all over him.”

“[McCain] was a quiet, stoic guest, who particularly enjoyed lounging out by one of our two Olympic sized pools or, sometimes, one of three family-themed pools,” he continued. “He didn’t really swim, but, unlike many people relaxing by the water, didn’t get too angry when kids would inevitably hit him with an errant splash here and there. It takes a big man to not allow that to interrupt or even ruin a nap — nothing seemed to ruin his nap, and that’s something that’s a big relief to waterfront staff. Inter-guest disputes are always the hardest to deal with, and in that way, he was very diplomatic.”

Daniels said that McCain also was a dream to have as a diner, as he often ordered the same meal from room service around 4:00 pm, making it easy and efficient for the kitchen and waitstaff to serve such a distinguished guest. “When you’ve got someone of such high stature, you are always stressing about getting it right,” a glowing Daniels explained. “But, God bless him, Mr. McCain was like clockwork, everyday with the asparagus, grilled cheese and pureed carrots. It really just shows what kind of man he was.”

The 18-year hospitality industry veteran also praised the GOP nominee’s easy going nature at nightly events such as family friendly acoustic guitar concerts and arts and crafts. “Now, he wasn’t too successful at the basket weaving, though no less so than his wife, who I’ll admit lodged a few complaints, mostly at the limited selection we had at our on-facility pharmacy, but he really gave it all. One time, a little girl walked up to him and gave him this beautiful door sign she made with his name on it. I think he was at first confused, but then very touched, and it’s that type of person that I think we should be looking for.”

A strong proponent of Florida tourism, Daniels said that he and McCain, long an advocate of Arizona’s desert resorts, often had friendly debates about the merits of the two locales, “but nothing that wasn’t done with total respect for one another. He really just couldn’t stand the humidity, he was much more of a dry heat guy.”

One topic of contention with Daniels were the voluminous reports of towel shortages, late housekeeping and snappy concierge, claims that he vehemently denied. “People like to say certain things to get an leg up in this cat and mouse game that’s played between guest and hotel,” he said. “They think they can earn free nights or room service by making those complaints, and it’s quite a shame.” Daniels pointed to photos of happy customers that were featured prominently on the Hilton’s corporate website, offering them as proof of the terrific conditions at the hotel.

A McCain spokesperson gave a brief comment on the interview during a press conference, saying only that, “while Senator McCain appreciates the support of each and every American who have pledged it his campaign, it is ludicrous what this hotel fellow is saying. There is no doubt that Senator McCain and his fellow vacationers have seen dirty deck chairs, lukewarm jacuzzis and far too few towels than desired. I think it’s clear that the Senator has a long record of straight talk, and so while we acknowledge and agree with the manager’s assessment of Mr. McCain’s character, we obviously have a disagreement about what constitutes luxurious.”

SCOTUS Decision Spurs Minutemen Revival

by Jordan Zakarin

Over 230 years since the first pitched battles of the American Revolution, Thursday’s Supreme Court decision reversing laws barring well-armed state militias has served as the catalyst for the re-establishment of several groups of self-armed, haphazard groups of farmers and masons bent on fighting back against the imperial British.

The split, 5-4 decision was authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, who, joined by  Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Alito, Thomas and Kennedy, wrote that the Second Amendment explicitly extended the right to rural freedom fighters to band together to battle for their fledgling nation.

“Despite dissension in our ranks, to me, it’s crystal clear,”  Scalia wrote in his introduction. “Upon reading the actual text of the amendment; ignoring all context; and turning a blind eye to over 200 years of technological, societal and governmental progress; we see that the article’s prefatory clauses connote that the framers intended the citizens of this 13-state republic to have unfettered ability to form small, ragtag groups of guerilla fighters, in order to patrol the woods of the Northeast and instigate skirmishes with the Redcoats.

“Any law, local, state or federal, that prohibits that heroic, patriotic yeoman activity is hitherto found unconstitutional, retroactively and from this moment forward.”

Within moments of the ruling being handed down, the long-retired cowbells summoning the militiamen rang out across the countryside, calling to assembly for the first time since the 18th century the rabble rousing volunteer fighters.

The most prominent of the re-formed militia were the Massachusetts Minutemen, who by three p.m. were assembled in a Cambridge square. Muskets locked and loaded, pitchforks sharpened and farm animals locked in the barn, the newly reassembled colonists, clad in workmans’ clothing and buckskin hunting outfits, began to reacquaint themselves after over two centuries of downtime. Soon, they were once again railing against the Intolerable Acts handed down by Governor of Massachusetts, General Thomas Gage. After a brief break to watch the Red Sox World Series DVD Box Set, they began plotting another successful defense of Lexington and Concord.

Enthusiasm abound, Minutemen spoke excitedly about their reformation.

“Tis a bright day in the sun for this fine nation, this would-be republic under God, wherein we once again come together as brothers in arms to defend our right to a life free of tyranny, to defend our freedom of self-determination,” said Paul Westinghouse, a Boston-area farmer and battalion leader. “We all must thank those brave justices for having the courage to interpret amendment as it was intended when it was first written, with no regard for what may or may not be appropriate in a more advanced, civilized future.”

Similarly, militiamen in all twelve other colonies quickly cleansed the dust off their hunting rifles and gathered for an inspiring reading of Patrick Henry speeches and Thomas Paine’s Common Sense, various reports indicated.

William Fitzadams, an iron worker and member of a Maryland militia battalion, put the day in perspective, declaring that, “now that we have our God given rights back, after so many years of inane state laws banning our very existence, we can once again fight for freedom from armed tyranny and fear of being shot on the streets of our own town. O! Glorious day it is.”

Bush: McCain Best for “Maybe, Maybe Not” Terrorist Attacks

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

President Bush dipped his toe in electoral waters in a speech in Annapolis on Thursday, voicing his confidence in presumptive Republican nominee John McCain’s ability to handle any terrorist attacks that may or may not occur throughout the country late this coming January.

Pressed by reporters for more details, Bush named ten states as particularly at-risk targets, though he was quick to point out that “it wasn’t a total definite.” The President added that, while he could not be sure of the dates these attacks just may occur on, it would probably be somewhere between January 21st and 23rd.

The frank release of confidential intelligence came as a surprise to the audience of military personnel, most of whom were unaware of such a breadth of terror targets. A number of officers in attendance said they were also a bit shocked that not only Bush identified states that could be hit, he divulged which individual landmarks and tourist attractions that had a strong chance of being attacked by terrorists that only John McCain could handle.

Amongst the most prominent targets Bush said he could definitely envision getting terrorized under certain circumstances were Disney World in Florida and the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Ohio.

“There’s certainly a chance that either one, or both, of those iconic tourist attractions could get blasted to oblivion this January,” Bush remarked. “I can just imagine Cindarella’s Castle up in flames, the Epcot Spaceship Earth, you know, that big golf ball, just imploding, shattering everywhere. And then you’ve got that music place in Cleveland — think about all that destruction, all the people that would die. The finest in Americana burnt down. Just a premonition, but definitely something to think about.”

The President continued to rattle off other places at risk for a terrorist strike, next naming Hershey, Pennsylvania as having a bulls-eye on its chocolate producing back. “There is a grave chance that this hub of delicious family fun could be hit by a missile or some small industrial-grade chemical attack,” Bush warned. “I really would not want to see such a terrible loss of life and sweets, so I’m hoping John McCain is elected so he can use his years of experience to stop the attacks, as only he could.”

Bush also pointed to Area 51 in New Mexico as having “definitely a good chance of getting blown up, which is unfortunate since we have so much shit there you people don’t even know about yet.” He continued, saying that, “it would totally wreck our movie industry, though. Imagine a world without Independence Day starring Will Smith. Then we’d probably have no Men in Black, no Ali, no Hitch, and this summer we’d be without that wisecracking, anti-superhero Hancock. Am I getting through to you people yet? No John McCain equals no Fresh Prince, America.”

Finally, rounding out his list of terror targets, Bush mentioned “some corn place” in Iowa, “some cheese or pot place” in Vermont and “some skiing” place in New Hampshire as particularly threatened come January 21st if John McCain is not elected President.

“We all have choices to make, America. Make sure yours is the right one,” Bush concluded.

Bush Requests Funding for Disaster Photo-Ops

by Jordan Zakarin

President Bush, speaking in his weekly radio address on Sunday in the wake of disastrous floods in the Midwest over the last three weeks, requested that Congress pass an emergency spending bill that would provide ample funds for photo opportunities in Iowa as well as potential other natural disasters that strike this summer.

“The good people of the Midwest have been devastated these past few weeks, with whole towns and farm communities destroyed,” Bush said. “Billions of dollars worth of damage has taken place, and they need to have the peace of mind that comes with thinking their President actually gives a damn. This money will provide them that, as well as fund other photo sessions in devastated areas still to be determined. It’s the least I can, and will, do.”

As heavy rains caused rushing rivers to crash down on the region, 24 levees, long considered to be in disrepair, ruptured, flooding small towns and valuable farm land. Factories, town squares and homes were destroyed, and experts say that as much as five million acres of valuable corn and soybeans cropland was destroyed. For the 40,000 people who were displaced from their homes, in addition to the tens of thousands more who saw their livelihoods disrupted or even washed away, Bush said he believed the best cure was “a brief stop-by, a stirring little speech and some photos of me huggin’ sad ladies on the cover of USA Today.”

Noting the juxtaposition between what many felt were his finest and his lowest hours in office, Bush insisted that this was the right course of action.

“Look what we were able to do with that rubble pile on September the 11th,” he said. “For so many, me grabbing that megaphone, swearing revenge, putting my arm around that old guy, it made them think, for at least a little while, that things would really be okay, that we’d get the guy responsible. Then with that hurricane or whatever a few years back, we were late on getting on the scene with that speech and the photos, and we still haven’t stopped hearing about it.”

The President defended preemptively in his address against those who might say his funding request was too pricey, noting the expenses that went along with both travel and a professional-level photo shoot were no small sum of money.

“There’s just so much involved, so much that goes into a staged photo-op like this,” Bush said. “First, they’ve got to drain the local airport and town square enough for me to even step down there. That’s a lot of cleanup, I hear. Then you’ve got to worry about things like lighting, and sometimes that requires rearranging buildings and temporary trailers so that the sun hits me just right. I like a soft lighting, gives me a bit of an angelic feel, and that’s tough to maintain when you’ve got 100 different photographers snapping at me.

“These things cost money, you know,” he continued, “especially if you want to do them real last minute, as so many of these events have to be, unfortunately. We’re working on that, too.”

Some of the funds would be allocated to a photo session next week in California, once firefighters were done putting out the hundreds of forest fires that have broken out across the state. The rest would be put aside, ready to dispense for headline grabbing photos as natural disaster season rolled through the summer.

“We’ll probably have a bunch more fires, and definitely a bunch of tornadoes in the Midwest,” Bush noted. “And with hurricane season coming up, it’s supposed to be a doozy this year, so we need to be prepared this time to be anywhere on the eastern seaboard, especially Florida. Luckily I have some friends down there, so that can keep costs down, but still, if I’ve learned one thing over the past seven years, you’ve gotta be prepared.”

Bush Agrees to Pretend to Care What Democrats Think Before Disregarding Them

by Jordan Zakarin

In a major victory for House Democrats on Thursday, the White House and party leaders came to an accord that would, for the first time, require the President to act as if he was considering the opinion of the majority party before blatantly disregarding it and continuing on his desired plan of action.

The agreement, which came as part of the House’s bill to extend and legitimize the FISA wiretapping program, was a significant win for the Democratic leaders, who passed the bill by a wide majority early Friday afternoon.

“Frankly, it took every last bit of leverage and courage that we had,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer of Maryland. “This was a hard fought victory for us, and really only came as a result of some extraordinary circumstances coming together at the right time.”

The compromise now provides that the only avenue for wiretapping is a warrant supplied by a FISA court, which can be done retroactively and issued in blanket for large numbers of phone taps. That law, Democrats and the White House officials agreed, would be easily overruled by advise from Bush’s personal legal team, who will assert “inherent power” whenever they deem necessary.

Perhaps more significantly, through intense pressure, Bush agreed to have a judge decide whether or not the upwards of 40 lawsuits against telecom companies involved in the illegal wiretaps should be immunized from any responsibility. The embattled telecom companies must provide a note from the Bush administration telling them that it was legal to cooperate with the wiretaps, placing the probability that they will be freed from judicial action somewhere between 100% and definite.

Hoyer, celebrating the victory with cigars branded with the Verizon logo and talking on his brand new, complimentary iPhone, pointed to an October poll that found that nearly two thirds of respondents were opposed to warrantless wiretapping of Americans, saying that they strongly believed that the government should be required to get a warrant for each wiretap. The poll, Hoyer said, also showed that a majority of Americans were opposed to giving amnesty from lawsuits to telecom companies that illegally spied on Americans at the behest of the Bush administration.

“Given that overwhelming public sentiment, the fact that the President is down to a 25% approval rating, and our 30+ seat majority, we were really able to put the pressure on. Score one for the Dems,” Hoyer said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was a bit less emphatic, saying that although the bill was not perfect, it was certainly a step in the right direction for her caucus. “Sure, we’d like to have maybe gotten [the President] to say, ‘I see your point and understand your concerns, but I respectfully disagree,’ before he blatantly disregarded us, but as a whole, this is definitely a good stepping stone measure for us.”

Huzzahs broke out across the Democratic Congress, who spoke out jubilantly on the House floor before Minority Leader John Boehner cracked the gavel and ordered that the majority return to their seats.

“We really got them this time,” New York Democrat Charlie Rengel said. “I’m really going to boogie down for the next sixteen seconds, my allotted time on the floor before Boehner moves on to the next issue on the day’s agenda.

“I think this will really help us combat the Republicans and maybe chisel away at their massive party identification disadvantage come November,” said Oklahoma Dan Boren, a member of the Blue Dog caucus.

In Startling Turn, GOP Criticizes Black Man For Rejecting Federal Dollars

by Jordan Zakarin

Eschewing the tradition established by spiritual leader Ronald Reagan of fabricating demeaning stories and perpetuating racial stereotypes, the Republican Party on Thursday lashed out after a middle aged black man declined a substantial government handout.

“It’s an insult to the droves and droves of people who do accept that money, who take advantage of what the system is offering,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. “What is he, too good for that money? Here we are, trying to make sure the playing field is even, no one has an advantage over anyone else, and he says ‘thanks but no thanks.’ This isn’t the America I know and love.”

Duncan was just one of many GOP leaders to hit out at the grossly unappreciative African American. One top House staffer remarked that the man could have bought “so many darn Cadillacs” with the money, but “apparently that just wasn’t enough.”

“Here we have absurdly rich white men, playing within the rules, Medicare working so well for them. And this guy goes and declines our giveaways,” the staffer continued. “We designed the system to work, and it worked so well for so long. Now, this black [sic] guy wants to actually try to get ahead, have more than what the government is offering?

“Looks like, when we get control of Congress again, we’ll have to really increase the amount that the federal government gives out, to bring them back into the system, make sure no matter how much more potential you have, you stay on the same level as everyone else.”

Perhaps most outraged by the African American’s refusal to take advantage of the government’s money was syndicated radio show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been vocal for years about his disdain for those who participated in the welfare state. Now, he concentrated his ire on the man’s willingness to actually work for every dime he earned.

“The audacity of this man, to get on the road and work every day to pay his bills and reach his dreams, it enrages me,” Limbaugh commented during his show on Thursday. “Folks, America is under siege, and those of you in a certain twenty two states that are currently polling two candidates within five points of each other in the Presidential race and have either large African American populations or voters dissatisfied with the economy, you’ll soon feel the impact of this affront to the tried and true American welfare system.”

Limbaugh became impassioned as the rant went on, continuing until he was nearly in tears. “It’s just not fair. Now guys like me are going to have to work extra hard, more than ever, to make sure those the playing field is even, thanks to those ingrates.”