Category Archives: Jake Maccoby

Bush: McCain Best for “Maybe, Maybe Not” Terrorist Attacks

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

President Bush dipped his toe in electoral waters in a speech in Annapolis on Thursday, voicing his confidence in presumptive Republican nominee John McCain’s ability to handle any terrorist attacks that may or may not occur throughout the country late this coming January.

Pressed by reporters for more details, Bush named ten states as particularly at-risk targets, though he was quick to point out that “it wasn’t a total definite.” The President added that, while he could not be sure of the dates these attacks just may occur on, it would probably be somewhere between January 21st and 23rd.

The frank release of confidential intelligence came as a surprise to the audience of military personnel, most of whom were unaware of such a breadth of terror targets. A number of officers in attendance said they were also a bit shocked that not only Bush identified states that could be hit, he divulged which individual landmarks and tourist attractions that had a strong chance of being attacked by terrorists that only John McCain could handle.

Amongst the most prominent targets Bush said he could definitely envision getting terrorized under certain circumstances were Disney World in Florida and the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Ohio.

“There’s certainly a chance that either one, or both, of those iconic tourist attractions could get blasted to oblivion this January,” Bush remarked. “I can just imagine Cindarella’s Castle up in flames, the Epcot Spaceship Earth, you know, that big golf ball, just imploding, shattering everywhere. And then you’ve got that music place in Cleveland — think about all that destruction, all the people that would die. The finest in Americana burnt down. Just a premonition, but definitely something to think about.”

The President continued to rattle off other places at risk for a terrorist strike, next naming Hershey, Pennsylvania as having a bulls-eye on its chocolate producing back. “There is a grave chance that this hub of delicious family fun could be hit by a missile or some small industrial-grade chemical attack,” Bush warned. “I really would not want to see such a terrible loss of life and sweets, so I’m hoping John McCain is elected so he can use his years of experience to stop the attacks, as only he could.”

Bush also pointed to Area 51 in New Mexico as having “definitely a good chance of getting blown up, which is unfortunate since we have so much shit there you people don’t even know about yet.” He continued, saying that, “it would totally wreck our movie industry, though. Imagine a world without Independence Day starring Will Smith. Then we’d probably have no Men in Black, no Ali, no Hitch, and this summer we’d be without that wisecracking, anti-superhero Hancock. Am I getting through to you people yet? No John McCain equals no Fresh Prince, America.”

Finally, rounding out his list of terror targets, Bush mentioned “some corn place” in Iowa, “some cheese or pot place” in Vermont and “some skiing” place in New Hampshire as particularly threatened come January 21st if John McCain is not elected President.

“We all have choices to make, America. Make sure yours is the right one,” Bush concluded.

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Obama’s Conversation with Men’s Room Attendant Spurs Talk of Joint Ticket

by Jake Maccoby

As speculation as to who presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama will choose as his Vice Presidential running mate continues to ramp up, with time edging nearer to the traditional summer selection period, some insiders and pundits believe the Illinois Senator may have already made his choice.

During dinner at the Olive Garden, Senator Obama had a cordial conversation with men’s room attendant Arthur Finklestein, who reportedly told the Senator that he was “planning on supporting” him, perhaps “even doing some handing out flyers if the hip cooperates.” The declaration, believed to be tantamount to an endorsement, had the political classes buzzing as the towel jockey’s pros and cons are weighed in comparison to other entrants in the Veepstakes.

Some believe that Finklestein’s humble background would attract those hard-working Americans, white Americans, that Senator Hillary Clinton largely dominated in the Democratic primaries.

“For someone who talks about changing Washington, this would be a very exciting pick,” said James Carville, who had previously characterized an Obama-Clinton ticket as “a very exciting pick” that would “in no way destroy the Democratic Party and leave the nation a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

Another factor working in Finklestein’s favor was his breadth of experience. At 73-years old, a year older than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, the bathroom attendant boasts an impressive resume, having lived through a World War, a Cold War, the Vietnam War and the Olive Garden-Red Lobster conflict of 1992, when the seafood chain moved in across the highway, touching off a fierce battle before the Olive Garden drove it to relocation in May, 1993.

Margaret Carlson, a journalist at Bloomberg News, agreed that Obama’s conversation with Finklestein showed that the hygiene professional was regarded by the Obama Campaign as a “top-teir contender.”

Earlier speculation for the vice-presidency had swirled around New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson after his endorsement in April, former Senator John Edwards after his endorsement in June, Senator Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore, and, following a successful box-office release, The Incredible Hulk. It is also speculated that if the search drags on, a successful July 18th weekend would see Batman thrown into the mix, as well.

Wolf Blitzer, a CNN reporter and host of “The Situation Room,” was similarly effusive.

“Yeah, we were pretty sure about Richardson, Edwards, Clinton, Gore, [Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck] Hagel, [Ohio Governor Ted] Strickland, and [Virginia Senator Jim] Webb—but Finklestein? This is the guy, for sure.”

When asked whether Finklestein was under consideration for the position, the Obama campaign would neither confirm nor deny the reports.

“Arthur is a dedicated, tireless public servant,” said Obama campaign spokesman David Plouffe. “Naturally, he would be on anybody’s shortlist.”

Finklestein played down the likelihood of his selection, but refused to rule out the possibility.

“Right now I’m happy to serve the good people of Olive Garden,” he said. “I’m not seeking the vice presidency, I’m not expecting to be offered the vice presidency, but if Senator Obama thinks I’m the best candidate, then we’ll have that conversation. Until then, I’ll just go on and on about the pesto pasta and my nominally athletic grandson who scored a lucky goal last weekend in the in-town soccer league.”

Supreme Court Reverses Gore Endorsement, Awarding it to McCain

by Jake Maccoby and Jordan Zakarin

Mere moments after formally announcing his backing for Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama in an email to supporters, former Vice President Al Gore’s endorsement was blocked and reversed by a 5-4 Supreme Court decision, handing the Nobel Prize winner’s full throated support to Republican nominee John McCain.

Writing for the majority, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that regardless of who Gore intended to support, a strict constructionist reading of his statement made it clear that, from a legal standpoint, his endorsement must be awarded to the GOP candidate.

“It is plainly obvious, by reading Section One, Clause Four of Article Two, that the framers, Jefferson, Madison and Hamilton, were firm in their resolve, that in the 2008 Presidential election, 219 years after ratification, former Vice President Gore, who the constitution also stipulated must lose the 2000 Presidential election regardless of the voters’ wishes, would be required to hand his endorsement and considerable public influence to John McCain, who was himself one of the original framers of Constitution,” Scalia wrote.

Seconds after the ruling, Charlie Black, a spokesman for the McCain campaign, said that “Senator McCain is gratified and humbled by the support of Vice President Gore, and he urges the American people to unite behind him for the good of the nation.”

Black also called any possible attempts by Gore to challenge the ruling “extremely divisive,” stating that “any type of debate or divergence would be extremely dangerous in the face of the impending election this November.”

Constitutional scholars have been abuzz since the decision was handed down, heatedly debating whether the court had the authority to overturn a personal opinion. Mercer Archwell, a fellow at the conservative Heritage Foundation, said that he thought that the court was well within its jurisdiction to do so.

“Of course they have every right to do it,” Archwell wrote in an op-ed column that ran in Tuesday’s edition of The Wall Street Journal. “This country was founded on people telling other people what to think and say. I think that the court was simply basing its decision on the best available precedents, from the Salem Witch Trials of 1693 to the Joseph McCarthy hearings of 1954. This is just pure American tradition.”

Not so fast, said constitutional scholar Jason Derek. “This is an absolute outrage, a preposterous abuse of power that is not even endowed upon them by any document, constitution or legal doctrine otherwise. That this country now has a court that disregards the laws it is sworn to protect, it just sucks. I wish there was something we could do about it, but I guess we’ll just take it on the chin again.”

In response to Derek’s allegations, a spokesperson for the court noted that the judges had seen precedent in a 2000 case that established judicial review over all actions taken by Al Gore. The former Vice President was unavailable to comment, as aides say he was in Greenland, eating ice cream sandwiches before they all melted.

In addition to Gore, thousands of elderly Jewish residents of Florida were dismayed at the news that they had each inadvertently issued endorsements of Pat Buchanan.

McCain Declared Healthy Compared to Rotting Corpse of Gerald Ford

By Jake Maccoby

Following the release last week of Senator John McCain’s medical records, Dr. Philip A. Hinkley, a physician to the Republican nominee-in-waiting, said today that the Arizona Senator is in “better shape than any president who served before 1976.” The records were perused for an allotted three hours by reporters as his campaign declared him to be in excellent health for a man whose own bodily store of mold cured his syphilis long before the discovery of penicillin.

Still, the McCain campaign released the information on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend in order to lessen the coverage of his numerous ailments, including “gallstone hemorrhoids,” “chronic mastadonia,” and the plague.

Spokesman Charlie Black said McCain’s health records clearly assuaged any and all concerns that he would be unable to handle the grueling life of a presidential nominee.

“If you look at the records, you will find that Senator McCain is in much better shape than a great many of our past presidents who served with distinction,” said Black. “Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Lyndon Johnson—all of these men served our nation, and Senator McCain’s health can be favorably compared with theirs in many respects.”

Black went on to name several specific illnesses that Senator McCain suffers from to a lesser degree than do former presidents Ford, Reagan, and Johnson, including “worms” and “decomposition.” On the whole, Black said that he was “glad to be able to put the issue of Senator McCain’s health to rest. Just bury that notion.”

There were, however, lingering concerns that Mr. McCain’s condition was so blithely declared “healthy” by the media after his records were made available for only three hours.

“Three hours?” said Dr. Albert Meinheimer, a professor of Paleontology at the University of Pennsylvania. “There is simply no way that, given that amount of time, you could even scratch the surface of his vast list of illnesses, maladies, allergies, disabilities, and malfunctions.” The list, said Dr. Meinheimer, included Irritable Coccyx Disorder, Menstrual Tyranny, and Boobles. A more extensive list also includes Nasal Dyspepsia, Infant Bosnian Apostasy, Acute Colon Apathy, Rectal Irrigation, and a severe case of the skivvies.

Senator McCain is also the only known victim of Restless Leg Syndrome.

McCain Campaign officials dismissed these ailments as trifling, arguing that “Senator McCain in his current condition is more able to govern this great nation than Ronald Reagan, Franklin Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln put together.”

Bush Challenges Middle East to Game of Beer Pong

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

A week after a defiant trip to the Middle East that saw him compare Senator Barack Obama to Nazi appeasers and urge Arab leaders to install democratic reforms in their countries, President Bush on Thursday challenged the entire region to a massive game of beer pong.

In a speech to a veteran’s group in Bethesda, Maryland, Bush boasted that he would change the face of the Middle East by sinking his ping pong balls into the Middle East’s plastic solo cups of warm Natty Ice before they even knew what hit them.

“For too long tyranny and fundamentalism have reigned in this troubled region, and I vowed on the morning of September the 11th to radically alter that landscape,” Bush said. “It’s time to deliver on that promise, by whipping their asses in pong, just absolutely running them off the table.”

Later in the speech, the President laid out the table rules for the game. “Ten cup, which is what real men play. None of that bouncing shit — one ball, one cup. By the way, two girls, one cup? You see that shit? Sick.” Bush continued, stipulating, “No celebrity guest shots. And, most importantly, no re-racks whatsoever. You should be good enough to hit each cup individually. None of that gay aiming for a general area shit. This isn’t smart bombing in the Gulf War. This is a man’s game.”

During a question and answer session, Bush was asked about the Islamic law against drinking alcohol. “They should quit being such pussies,” he said, adding that “even if they did play completely sober, I’d still whip their asses.”

With some in the press challenging the President’s nomenclature, he insisted that despite a sizable contingent that felt otherwise, he would not call the game Beirut until Hezbollah was removed from power in Lebanon. He did, however, offer to let the people of the Middle East provide input.

“Call it Tehran, Damascus, maybe Gaza… whatev, it’s your call. I’m just ready to start dropping bombs,” he said.

Rumors that Rice is Black Woman Roil GOP

by Jake Maccoby

As buzz grows around Washington that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be tapped as John McCain’s Vice Presidential running mate, rumors have begun swirling amongst Republican circles that, if true, would immediately end the chances of a McCain/Rice ticket in November.

While unconfirmed, GOP higherups have begun to believe that the whisper campaign accusing Secretary Rice of being a black woman has some degree of truth to it, a prospect that has sent the party into disarray.

“Well sure, I was excited,” said one Republican Party official not associated with the McCain campaign. “I mean, national security adviser, Secretary of State, a football fan who understands Middle America? That sounded great to me. But now people are saying that Rice is a woman—a black woman! I just don’t know how I feel about it anymore.”

The White House has categorically denied the rumors, calling them “baseless and harmful allegations that are plain insulting to such a patriotic, hard working white male.”

“These stories are absolutely, one hundred percent false,” said White House Spokesman Dana Perino, a manly man himself, at a daily press briefing. “Listen, we went through the same thing with Colin Powell. When we appointed him Secretary of State, there were a lot of rumblings that he might be black. And obviously it just isn’t true.”

Many officials in the GOP blame the “liberal media” for spreading such stories.

“Condoleezza Rice is a great American,” said one official who declined to be identified discussing a sensitive matter. “And for rags like the New York Times to defame Secretary Rice’s character by printing this kind of libel—and that’s what it is, libel—it just makes me sick.”

Many Republican voters said that they were “uneasy” about the rumors, though some made clear that they had by no means made up their minds on the issue.

“Rice is the Secretary of State!” said Campbell Saxton of Marietta, Georgia. “Does that sound like a job they would give to a woman or a black person? No, I don’t believe it for a minute.”

Others admitted that the rumors had affected their view of the Secretary somewhat.

“Rice has done a great job,” said Bo Harper of Spartanburg, South Carolina. “Originally, I would have been really happy with a McCain/Rice ticket. But after all these stories….I don’t know. It just raises a lot of questions.”

When asked if he would still support Rice for vice president if she was indeed a black woman, Harper was doubtful.

“A black lady in a position of power in a Republican administration? Man, you’ve got to be crazy.”

Clinton Gearing Up for President of West Virginia Race

by Jake Maccoby

After Senator Hillary Clinton’s strong victory in West Virginia’s Democratic Primary, her campaign has set its sights on a general election campaign for the Presidency of West Virginia, against the winner of the Republican contest, Mike Huckabee.

While most of the focus was on Senator Clinton’s win, Governor Huckabee had already bested the Republican presumptive nominee John McCain at the Republican state convention on Super Tuesday. Senator Clinton alluded to the win in her own victory speech, telling the dozens of older, working-class women in attendance that she was “looking forward” to campaigning against Huckabee in a West Virginia general election.

“I am very excited for this campaign,” she said. “It is the dream that I held dear when I was growing up in Chicago, or Scranton, or New York, or Arkansas, or whatever.”

Clinton, when told Huckabee had exited the race months ago, nevertheless pledged to “drag that bastard out of wherever he’s hiding and give him the beating of a lifetime!”

She continued, saying that “the people of West Virginia have shown that they want a knock-down, drag-out brawl featuring me, the first woman—hardworking, white woman, I might add—to have a shot at the presidency. The people of West Virginia have spoken, and they want me to compete mercilessly against Governor Huckabee for the presidency of West Virginia.”

The duties of the President of West Virginia would, according to Senator Clinton, be much cooler than President of the whole United States, where there are minorities. Job requirements, she said, include being adored and respected by everybody, living in an exact replica of the White House, being addressed as ‘Madame President’ by hordes of loyal followers, receiving invitations to appear at all the most prestigious events and talk shows filmed in the state, and being in command of West Virginia’s mighty military arsenal.

Clinton framed her highly unusual decision as an answer to the fervent pleas of West Virginians, who begged her to stay in the race long after everyone who could read a newspaper had realized that the campaign was effectively over.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached during this campaign by hard-working Americans who say, ‘Don’t give up, Hillary,'” she said. “Or, ‘Keep fighting for us, Hillary.’ Or, ‘Demand that this state schedules an election in which you are selected over Mike Huckabee to be President of West Virginia, Hillary.’ You see, I’m doing this for all of you—because I love West Virginia, where I was probably born, or lived, or something.”

While such a contest is both unlikely and unconstitutional, Clinton did face hypothetical questions about her ability to beat Governor Huckabee in the fictitious and nonsensical West Virginia general election. Clinton was, however, characteristically unconcerned.

“I think that the good people of West Virginia will ultimately realize that I am simply the best prepared and the best able to serve as president of this state,” she said.

“Also, I’m pretty sure Huckabee is black,” she quickly added.

Senator Clinton also did not rule out the possibility of using her power as President of West Virginia to intimidate other states and territories.

“You know, Ohio voted overwhelmingly for me in their primary,” said Clinton. “I’m not saying anything — just think that the working, hard working people, white people of Ohio should have the same opportunities as the people of West Virginia. That’s all I’m saying.”