Category Archives: Hillary Clinton

Obama’s Conversation with Men’s Room Attendant Spurs Talk of Joint Ticket

by Jake Maccoby

As speculation as to who presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama will choose as his Vice Presidential running mate continues to ramp up, with time edging nearer to the traditional summer selection period, some insiders and pundits believe the Illinois Senator may have already made his choice.

During dinner at the Olive Garden, Senator Obama had a cordial conversation with men’s room attendant Arthur Finklestein, who reportedly told the Senator that he was “planning on supporting” him, perhaps “even doing some handing out flyers if the hip cooperates.” The declaration, believed to be tantamount to an endorsement, had the political classes buzzing as the towel jockey’s pros and cons are weighed in comparison to other entrants in the Veepstakes.

Some believe that Finklestein’s humble background would attract those hard-working Americans, white Americans, that Senator Hillary Clinton largely dominated in the Democratic primaries.

“For someone who talks about changing Washington, this would be a very exciting pick,” said James Carville, who had previously characterized an Obama-Clinton ticket as “a very exciting pick” that would “in no way destroy the Democratic Party and leave the nation a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

Another factor working in Finklestein’s favor was his breadth of experience. At 73-years old, a year older than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, the bathroom attendant boasts an impressive resume, having lived through a World War, a Cold War, the Vietnam War and the Olive Garden-Red Lobster conflict of 1992, when the seafood chain moved in across the highway, touching off a fierce battle before the Olive Garden drove it to relocation in May, 1993.

Margaret Carlson, a journalist at Bloomberg News, agreed that Obama’s conversation with Finklestein showed that the hygiene professional was regarded by the Obama Campaign as a “top-teir contender.”

Earlier speculation for the vice-presidency had swirled around New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson after his endorsement in April, former Senator John Edwards after his endorsement in June, Senator Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore, and, following a successful box-office release, The Incredible Hulk. It is also speculated that if the search drags on, a successful July 18th weekend would see Batman thrown into the mix, as well.

Wolf Blitzer, a CNN reporter and host of “The Situation Room,” was similarly effusive.

“Yeah, we were pretty sure about Richardson, Edwards, Clinton, Gore, [Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck] Hagel, [Ohio Governor Ted] Strickland, and [Virginia Senator Jim] Webb—but Finklestein? This is the guy, for sure.”

When asked whether Finklestein was under consideration for the position, the Obama campaign would neither confirm nor deny the reports.

“Arthur is a dedicated, tireless public servant,” said Obama campaign spokesman David Plouffe. “Naturally, he would be on anybody’s shortlist.”

Finklestein played down the likelihood of his selection, but refused to rule out the possibility.

“Right now I’m happy to serve the good people of Olive Garden,” he said. “I’m not seeking the vice presidency, I’m not expecting to be offered the vice presidency, but if Senator Obama thinks I’m the best candidate, then we’ll have that conversation. Until then, I’ll just go on and on about the pesto pasta and my nominally athletic grandson who scored a lucky goal last weekend in the in-town soccer league.”

Clinton Signals Willingness to Undermine Obama’s Campaign

by Jordan Zakarin

As she prepares to concede the race for the Democratic Nomination for President, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has begun transmitting signals through surrogates and supporters that she would be receptive to undermining newly clinched nominee Barack Obama’s chances of winning the Presidency.

Clinton has publicly disavowed a number of letters and petitions by former supporters who want to see her in a formal position to destroy the campaign, saying that they are acting independently and that the choice belonged to Obama. However, Clinton has not been shy in saying that, if given the opportunity, she would be very interested in sabotaging Obama’s historic bid for the White House.

Despite informal, hypothetical conversations regarding Clinton’s role in a general election and beyond between aides from both camps, the two finalists for the nomination have yet to communicate beyond a congratulations phone call since Obama sealed up the six month contest on Tuesday, so it is unclear where the relationship between the two stands after a long, divisive campaign.

In a e-mail to her national mailing list on Thursday, Clinton thanked the millions who had volunteered, donated money and voted for her in the primaries and caucuses, saying that she looked forward to the next stage of the election and promising that she would continue fighting for what the issues she based her campaign around.

“From dog whistle and then latent race baiting, to accusing Obama of naivety and weakness on foreign policy; from questioning his ability to govern, to calling him an elitist who is out of touch with the majority of American citizens —  she’s still got so much to offer to this election,” said a close friend and Democratic activist who requested to remain anonymous. “She may have lost the primary, but Hillary, always so single minded and determined to fight, she can still leave a big impact on this thing.”

In an election that will feature prominent debate on both a sagging economy and a continuously more unpopular war in Iraq, Clinton’s barbs could create significant difficulty for the young Illinois Senator in his efforts to establish his credentials in both areas. As Obama hammers home his message of change on these issues, among others, Clinton could hamper those efforts significantly if given the opportunity.

“We all know that Democrats lost in 2004 because voters were apprehensive about changing strategies in the middle of a war, especially when faced with a candidate who was called an elitist and whose gravitas on national security had been challenged from the right,” said Terrence M. Oliff, a Political Science professor at SUNY Chappaqua. “Combine that with the whole alienating blacks and women thing, and she could really deliver this election. To McCain.”

Blotter: Black Man Arrested For Beating White Woman

by Jordan Zakarin

A 46-year old African American man was arrested by federal agents on Tuesday night in Illinois for allegedly beating a 60-year old white woman. The suspect was finally captured after a six month manhunt that allegedly saw him beat the woman in 32 different states and territories.

Witnesses say that, before she finally succumbed, the woman put up a fierce fight; however, the half a year of beatings took a terrible mental toll on the victim, who is now prone to making confused, outlandish statements as a result of blunt force trauma.

The alleged assaulter had gained a cult following amongst confused youths, and has rallied a defiant African American community behind him, exposing latent racial riffs that still plague the country.

As he was taken away by police, the accused was heard making threatening promises towards a next victim, a 71-year old white man from a retirement community in Arizona.

The victim’s husband, a prominent member of his community, in New York at the time of the arrest, was said to be livid, swearing revenge, asking prosecutors to force his wife upon the attacker for a period of up to eight years.

Clinton Scrambles to Backtrack after Invoking NippleGate

by Jordan Zakarin

New York Senator Hillary Clinton worked to clarify remarks she made late last week in front of a South Dakota Newspapers’ editorial board, in which she invoked the exposing of pop star Janet Jackson’s breast during the 2004 Superbowl Halftime Show. Clinton mentioned the national defrocking as she was questioned by the board as to why she is continuing her quest for the Democratic nomination for President despite the seemingly insurmountable odds of defeating Illinois’ Barack Obama.

The Superbowl moment, which led to a dark cloud settling over the nation’s psyche that has yet to been fully lifted, holds extra significance when applied to Obama; many prominent backers have expressed fears that, as the first African American President, he would be especially vulnerable to the wardrobe malfunctions that befell Jackson, another famous African American.

The statement instantly set off cries of outrage from politicians, pundits and citizens’ groups, knocking Clinton off her message.

In a speech on Saturday, the candidate insisted that she mentioned the horrific moment as evidence that anything could happen with the nomination still yet to be officially decided.

“I very much apologize if my comments were taken for something they were not intended to be,” Clinton said. “I understand the deep, tragic damage that that one second of pure blurry, fleshy terror inflicted upon our nation, and would never seek to exploit it, or advocate that Senator Obama’s strutting his stuff in front of the nation, though, as a black man, he may desire to show off a little bit.”

But the damage had largely been done over three days of a barrage of negative publicity.

While Obama himself has declined to openly chastise Clinton, both backers of his campaign, as well as unlikely allies, condemned the New York Senator. David Axelrod, media director for the Obama effort, said that the comments “smelled of desperation, and a true willingness to appeal to base instincts at a time when this campaign is trying to lift America up beyond the politics of cynicism and nipples.”

“I cannot, for the life of me, comprehend why Senator Clinton would make mention of this horrific national tragedy in such a context,” said Rep. Heather Wilson (R-New Mexico). “An entire generation of children had their minds sullied while trying to watch the wholesome family entertainment that the NFL provides, and now she’s brought it back to the forefront, just as we had begun to heal as a nation. Shame on her, shame on her.”

American Idol David Cook Wins Democratic Nomination

by Jordan Zakarin

Six months into the primary season and still without a candidate to face Republican John McCain, newly crowned American Idol winner David Cook was tabbed by Democratic leaders as the party’s nominee for President on Thursday, earning the nod thanks to an overwhelming advantage in the popular vote. Cook, an independent musician and bartender from Blue Springs, Missouri, earned 54.6 million votes on election Tuesday.

Having won over 15 million more votes than Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and all other former candidates in the Democratic primary combined, Cook made his case to party elders that he was by far the most electable candidate come November’s general election. The rocker excited Democratic superdelegates and power brokers by earning the 54.6 million votes in a blowout victory over rival David Archuleta, with the party leaders believing that the already massive turnout could be amplified by a competitive race.

“The guy ran against a total weenie, some 13-year old ex-Menudo member, and he still came within two million votes of what John Kerry got in 2004,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “This guy is the future, he’s from the Midwest, and is clearly someone voters can get behind. If he can pull off a Collective Soul song and turn that into a win, there’s no way we can go wrong here.”

Democratic strategist James Carville, who has supported New York Senator Hillary Clinton throughout the campaign, agreed with Dean’s assessment. “This guy’s a fighter, has overcome quite a lot. He sent himself to the hospital over stress from a singing competition, and even worse, performed hit songs arranged by cover bands,” he said. “But he kept on trucking, singing Billie Jean and Duran Duran, which takes balls this day in age. And that’s something the American people like to see, something they can really relate to. Balls. Seems to be a prerequisite these days.”

Democratic officials have been buzzing ever since the Cook nomination was made official, excited that Cook offered the best possible contrast to McCain. “Hmm, let’s see. One’s an old fake with a bad temper and a funny jaw,” remarked one Democratic fundraiser. “The other, while still a bit of a phony, is a shabby-chic rocker who is about to get more pussy than a toilet seat,” the fundraiser continued.

While there was some dissent in the party, one thing was agreed on by all in the caucus: thank God third place winner Syesha Mercado didn’t win the whole thing, as there’s no place for a black or a woman in presidential politics.

Hillary Vows to Fight On So Long as Media Allows

by Jordan Zakarin

A night after a split decision in primaries in Kentucky and Oregon saw rival Barack Obama clinch a majority of pledged delegates in primary and caucus contests, Senator Hillary Clinton promised supporters at a rally in Florida on Wednesday that she would continue her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President “as long as the news media will let me”, despite the near mathematic impossibility of her winning the party’s nomination.

With Obama just 64 delegates away from 2,026, the number needed right now to officially end the nominating contest, Clinton’s chance to top the ballot for Democrats in November seem to be as minuscule as possible without actually being at zero. Despite the crippling reality, the New York Senator and former First Lady vowed to continue the fight until the media was finally finished propping up and legitimizing her candidacy in the interest of filling the 24-hour news cycle and boosting its ratings.

“Friends and fellow Democrats, it has been a long ride that we have taken together, fighting for an end to the war in Iraq and a new beginning for all hard working white Americans,” Clinton said. “While, for all intents and purposes, I should be dead and buried in this thing, given the results of the primaries and caucuses thus far, the broadcast journalists and pundits are obsessed with focusing on this whole woman vs. black man thing, giving the illusion that I’m still in the race far longer than what is logical and journalistically responsible. So hey, why not go with it?”

Clinton went on to explain her decision making process, and how, despite pleas from some advisers that she bow out, she opted to continue on the pundit’s free ride. “Believe me, I’ve nearly dropped out a bunch of times since March. But every time I do, I see Chris Matthews or Wolf Blitzer on television, talking with some ‘strategists’ about how maybe I could actually win this thing. Everyone likes to be flattered, so until they open up their eyes, I don’t mind hearing the good things.”

The only true hope Clinton holds is the slim-to-none possibility that DNC’s Credential Committee gives full seating to the delegates from Florida and Michigan, with none of votes cast for “other” being given to Obama. With the Illinois senator holding the advantage among supporters who would be involved in the committee’s decision, Clinton understands she’s fighting that battle in vain, as well.

“To be frank, I know it makes no difference. And it’s not like I’m doing this out of principle, either. There’s not much I’m gonna gain from defending the state parties from those two states, who to be honest with you, acted like assholes last winter,” she remarked. “Florida has always been a bunch of schmucks. Remember 2000? Yeah, like I really want to reward them after that clusterfuck. At this point, it’s all about being on TV, getting clips for my reel. Whenever the ride ends, that’s not up to me. Tell that Hardball guy to get over his boner for me, if you care about it so much.”

Asked to speculate when the media’s obsession may end, Clinton was hesitant to give the press any ideas, though she did say that “maybe this whole Ted Kennedy thing will take their attention, though we probably won’t hear much until he starts looking skinnier and weak. Hopefully the big guy can hold strong until the convention, at least.”

Clinton Gearing Up for President of West Virginia Race

by Jake Maccoby

After Senator Hillary Clinton’s strong victory in West Virginia’s Democratic Primary, her campaign has set its sights on a general election campaign for the Presidency of West Virginia, against the winner of the Republican contest, Mike Huckabee.

While most of the focus was on Senator Clinton’s win, Governor Huckabee had already bested the Republican presumptive nominee John McCain at the Republican state convention on Super Tuesday. Senator Clinton alluded to the win in her own victory speech, telling the dozens of older, working-class women in attendance that she was “looking forward” to campaigning against Huckabee in a West Virginia general election.

“I am very excited for this campaign,” she said. “It is the dream that I held dear when I was growing up in Chicago, or Scranton, or New York, or Arkansas, or whatever.”

Clinton, when told Huckabee had exited the race months ago, nevertheless pledged to “drag that bastard out of wherever he’s hiding and give him the beating of a lifetime!”

She continued, saying that “the people of West Virginia have shown that they want a knock-down, drag-out brawl featuring me, the first woman—hardworking, white woman, I might add—to have a shot at the presidency. The people of West Virginia have spoken, and they want me to compete mercilessly against Governor Huckabee for the presidency of West Virginia.”

The duties of the President of West Virginia would, according to Senator Clinton, be much cooler than President of the whole United States, where there are minorities. Job requirements, she said, include being adored and respected by everybody, living in an exact replica of the White House, being addressed as ‘Madame President’ by hordes of loyal followers, receiving invitations to appear at all the most prestigious events and talk shows filmed in the state, and being in command of West Virginia’s mighty military arsenal.

Clinton framed her highly unusual decision as an answer to the fervent pleas of West Virginians, who begged her to stay in the race long after everyone who could read a newspaper had realized that the campaign was effectively over.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached during this campaign by hard-working Americans who say, ‘Don’t give up, Hillary,'” she said. “Or, ‘Keep fighting for us, Hillary.’ Or, ‘Demand that this state schedules an election in which you are selected over Mike Huckabee to be President of West Virginia, Hillary.’ You see, I’m doing this for all of you—because I love West Virginia, where I was probably born, or lived, or something.”

While such a contest is both unlikely and unconstitutional, Clinton did face hypothetical questions about her ability to beat Governor Huckabee in the fictitious and nonsensical West Virginia general election. Clinton was, however, characteristically unconcerned.

“I think that the good people of West Virginia will ultimately realize that I am simply the best prepared and the best able to serve as president of this state,” she said.

“Also, I’m pretty sure Huckabee is black,” she quickly added.

Senator Clinton also did not rule out the possibility of using her power as President of West Virginia to intimidate other states and territories.

“You know, Ohio voted overwhelmingly for me in their primary,” said Clinton. “I’m not saying anything — just think that the working, hard working people, white people of Ohio should have the same opportunities as the people of West Virginia. That’s all I’m saying.”