Category Archives: George W. Bush

Bush: McCain Best for “Maybe, Maybe Not” Terrorist Attacks

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

President Bush dipped his toe in electoral waters in a speech in Annapolis on Thursday, voicing his confidence in presumptive Republican nominee John McCain’s ability to handle any terrorist attacks that may or may not occur throughout the country late this coming January.

Pressed by reporters for more details, Bush named ten states as particularly at-risk targets, though he was quick to point out that “it wasn’t a total definite.” The President added that, while he could not be sure of the dates these attacks just may occur on, it would probably be somewhere between January 21st and 23rd.

The frank release of confidential intelligence came as a surprise to the audience of military personnel, most of whom were unaware of such a breadth of terror targets. A number of officers in attendance said they were also a bit shocked that not only Bush identified states that could be hit, he divulged which individual landmarks and tourist attractions that had a strong chance of being attacked by terrorists that only John McCain could handle.

Amongst the most prominent targets Bush said he could definitely envision getting terrorized under certain circumstances were Disney World in Florida and the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Ohio.

“There’s certainly a chance that either one, or both, of those iconic tourist attractions could get blasted to oblivion this January,” Bush remarked. “I can just imagine Cindarella’s Castle up in flames, the Epcot Spaceship Earth, you know, that big golf ball, just imploding, shattering everywhere. And then you’ve got that music place in Cleveland — think about all that destruction, all the people that would die. The finest in Americana burnt down. Just a premonition, but definitely something to think about.”

The President continued to rattle off other places at risk for a terrorist strike, next naming Hershey, Pennsylvania as having a bulls-eye on its chocolate producing back. “There is a grave chance that this hub of delicious family fun could be hit by a missile or some small industrial-grade chemical attack,” Bush warned. “I really would not want to see such a terrible loss of life and sweets, so I’m hoping John McCain is elected so he can use his years of experience to stop the attacks, as only he could.”

Bush also pointed to Area 51 in New Mexico as having “definitely a good chance of getting blown up, which is unfortunate since we have so much shit there you people don’t even know about yet.” He continued, saying that, “it would totally wreck our movie industry, though. Imagine a world without Independence Day starring Will Smith. Then we’d probably have no Men in Black, no Ali, no Hitch, and this summer we’d be without that wisecracking, anti-superhero Hancock. Am I getting through to you people yet? No John McCain equals no Fresh Prince, America.”

Finally, rounding out his list of terror targets, Bush mentioned “some corn place” in Iowa, “some cheese or pot place” in Vermont and “some skiing” place in New Hampshire as particularly threatened come January 21st if John McCain is not elected President.

“We all have choices to make, America. Make sure yours is the right one,” Bush concluded.

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Bush Requests Funding for Disaster Photo-Ops

by Jordan Zakarin

President Bush, speaking in his weekly radio address on Sunday in the wake of disastrous floods in the Midwest over the last three weeks, requested that Congress pass an emergency spending bill that would provide ample funds for photo opportunities in Iowa as well as potential other natural disasters that strike this summer.

“The good people of the Midwest have been devastated these past few weeks, with whole towns and farm communities destroyed,” Bush said. “Billions of dollars worth of damage has taken place, and they need to have the peace of mind that comes with thinking their President actually gives a damn. This money will provide them that, as well as fund other photo sessions in devastated areas still to be determined. It’s the least I can, and will, do.”

As heavy rains caused rushing rivers to crash down on the region, 24 levees, long considered to be in disrepair, ruptured, flooding small towns and valuable farm land. Factories, town squares and homes were destroyed, and experts say that as much as five million acres of valuable corn and soybeans cropland was destroyed. For the 40,000 people who were displaced from their homes, in addition to the tens of thousands more who saw their livelihoods disrupted or even washed away, Bush said he believed the best cure was “a brief stop-by, a stirring little speech and some photos of me huggin’ sad ladies on the cover of USA Today.”

Noting the juxtaposition between what many felt were his finest and his lowest hours in office, Bush insisted that this was the right course of action.

“Look what we were able to do with that rubble pile on September the 11th,” he said. “For so many, me grabbing that megaphone, swearing revenge, putting my arm around that old guy, it made them think, for at least a little while, that things would really be okay, that we’d get the guy responsible. Then with that hurricane or whatever a few years back, we were late on getting on the scene with that speech and the photos, and we still haven’t stopped hearing about it.”

The President defended preemptively in his address against those who might say his funding request was too pricey, noting the expenses that went along with both travel and a professional-level photo shoot were no small sum of money.

“There’s just so much involved, so much that goes into a staged photo-op like this,” Bush said. “First, they’ve got to drain the local airport and town square enough for me to even step down there. That’s a lot of cleanup, I hear. Then you’ve got to worry about things like lighting, and sometimes that requires rearranging buildings and temporary trailers so that the sun hits me just right. I like a soft lighting, gives me a bit of an angelic feel, and that’s tough to maintain when you’ve got 100 different photographers snapping at me.

“These things cost money, you know,” he continued, “especially if you want to do them real last minute, as so many of these events have to be, unfortunately. We’re working on that, too.”

Some of the funds would be allocated to a photo session next week in California, once firefighters were done putting out the hundreds of forest fires that have broken out across the state. The rest would be put aside, ready to dispense for headline grabbing photos as natural disaster season rolled through the summer.

“We’ll probably have a bunch more fires, and definitely a bunch of tornadoes in the Midwest,” Bush noted. “And with hurricane season coming up, it’s supposed to be a doozy this year, so we need to be prepared this time to be anywhere on the eastern seaboard, especially Florida. Luckily I have some friends down there, so that can keep costs down, but still, if I’ve learned one thing over the past seven years, you’ve gotta be prepared.”

Bush Agrees to Pretend to Care What Democrats Think Before Disregarding Them

by Jordan Zakarin

In a major victory for House Democrats on Thursday, the White House and party leaders came to an accord that would, for the first time, require the President to act as if he was considering the opinion of the majority party before blatantly disregarding it and continuing on his desired plan of action.

The agreement, which came as part of the House’s bill to extend and legitimize the FISA wiretapping program, was a significant win for the Democratic leaders, who passed the bill by a wide majority early Friday afternoon.

“Frankly, it took every last bit of leverage and courage that we had,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer of Maryland. “This was a hard fought victory for us, and really only came as a result of some extraordinary circumstances coming together at the right time.”

The compromise now provides that the only avenue for wiretapping is a warrant supplied by a FISA court, which can be done retroactively and issued in blanket for large numbers of phone taps. That law, Democrats and the White House officials agreed, would be easily overruled by advise from Bush’s personal legal team, who will assert “inherent power” whenever they deem necessary.

Perhaps more significantly, through intense pressure, Bush agreed to have a judge decide whether or not the upwards of 40 lawsuits against telecom companies involved in the illegal wiretaps should be immunized from any responsibility. The embattled telecom companies must provide a note from the Bush administration telling them that it was legal to cooperate with the wiretaps, placing the probability that they will be freed from judicial action somewhere between 100% and definite.

Hoyer, celebrating the victory with cigars branded with the Verizon logo and talking on his brand new, complimentary iPhone, pointed to an October poll that found that nearly two thirds of respondents were opposed to warrantless wiretapping of Americans, saying that they strongly believed that the government should be required to get a warrant for each wiretap. The poll, Hoyer said, also showed that a majority of Americans were opposed to giving amnesty from lawsuits to telecom companies that illegally spied on Americans at the behest of the Bush administration.

“Given that overwhelming public sentiment, the fact that the President is down to a 25% approval rating, and our 30+ seat majority, we were really able to put the pressure on. Score one for the Dems,” Hoyer said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was a bit less emphatic, saying that although the bill was not perfect, it was certainly a step in the right direction for her caucus. “Sure, we’d like to have maybe gotten [the President] to say, ‘I see your point and understand your concerns, but I respectfully disagree,’ before he blatantly disregarded us, but as a whole, this is definitely a good stepping stone measure for us.”

Huzzahs broke out across the Democratic Congress, who spoke out jubilantly on the House floor before Minority Leader John Boehner cracked the gavel and ordered that the majority return to their seats.

“We really got them this time,” New York Democrat Charlie Rengel said. “I’m really going to boogie down for the next sixteen seconds, my allotted time on the floor before Boehner moves on to the next issue on the day’s agenda.

“I think this will really help us combat the Republicans and maybe chisel away at their massive party identification disadvantage come November,” said Oklahoma Dan Boren, a member of the Blue Dog caucus.

Bush, McCain Call for End to Moratorium on Terrible Ideas

by Jordan Zakarin

In a speech Wednesday in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush joined John McCain in requesting Congress lift the 27-year old ban on terrible ideas as the two work to promote a number of horrific non-solutions to the nation’s energy crisis.

“I agree with Senator McCain that the only way we can address these skyrocketing fuel prices is by doing what we do best,” Bush said, “which requires maximum leeway in crafting, promoting and implementing idiotic, senseless policies that will do little if anything to help the American people while causing further damage to our environment and economy. As such, I’m asking Congress to make sure we have the greatest opportunity to do so.”

Bush’s call for terrible ideas was prefaced with his statement of support for John McCain’s assertion that the United States should begin “environmentally safe oil drilling” in waters close to major tourist hot spots and nature reserves. Bush snickered at the silliness of his friend’s idea from the podium, as reporters noted that not only would the oxymoronically-termed drilling undoubtedly pollute valuable vacation beaches and poison already endangered sea life, most estimates say that it would be over twenty years before any significant impact in oil production or prices was felt.

When the questioning was over, Bush chimed in, making sure reporters “don’t forget that it would do nothing to further the cause of alternative energy research or have any sort of impact in the fight against global warming,” which is believed to be caused by carbon emissions, mostly from burning oil. He also was quick to point out that the main beneficiaries of the idea would be already flourishing oil companies. “So let’s not shortchange this idea.”

Beyond the preposterous oil drilling proposal, Bush said he had a number of other “real winners sitting in the back of the ol noggin, waiting for their chance before I mosey back down to Texas this winter.”

Among his most favoritest, Bush said, was further deregulation of the mortgage industry, targeted tax cuts to hedge fund managers, coining quarters and dimes from mercury and plutonium, bar codes on squirrels,  and a restriction on apple juice sales to illegal immigrants. Asked to justify his proposal for further deregulation of the mortgage industry, the President insisted that he believed that, “those people function best without the man breathing down their neck. That’s when they can be creative and really solve problems.”

In a joint response suggesting that the President had never allowed the wishes of Congress to stop him before, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that “The Iraq War, tax cuts for the rich and No Child Left Behind have proven that the President took little heed,” in what the legislative branch had to say.

Not entirely true, Bush replied.

“It’s true that in my first six years, I had a bit of a looser leash, and look, we got a lot of things done, everything we wanted to accomplish. Now, thanks to the obstructionist tactics of this Democratic Congress, the past year and a half has seen precious little progress on a number of our top priorities. This is simply a way to remedy that situation and get started again with our big, shitty plans.”

Not to be overshadowed by the man he is trying to replace, McCain went one further in his plans to come to a horrible solution to the energy crisis, calling on the United States to create 100 new nuclear power plants in the coming years. “Why not?,” McCain said. “I was there in Nagasaki, that shit was awesome. No downside.”

Bush, Pope Meet in Vatican, Condemn Things

by Jordan Zakarin

President Bush received an audience with Pope Benedict XVI in the Vatican on Friday, the latest stop in his sold-out European farewell arena and festival tour. After greeting the President and posing for pictures taken by rabid fans at St. John’s Tower near the Vatican Garden, the Pontiff brought Bush to his personal study overlooking St. Peter’s Dome, where the two discussed a multitude of issues.

It was a lively discussion between Bush and Benedict, who has at times been critical of the President’s foreign policy decisions, particularly the War in Iraq and the military’s alleged use of torture on detainees and prisoners of war. After they discussed their differences, however, the leaders quickly bonded as they rapidly pieced together a list of things, actions and beliefs that they agreed should be condemned.

The damning list began with the usual hellfire and brimstone items, including abortion and homosexual coitus, no surprise to any fan of the two most influential people in the world.

“Life begins at conception, what if Jesus was aborted, look at this mangled fetus billboard and vomit in your car, Leviticus 18:22, ‘exit only’ — it was all pretty standard stuff,” said a Vatican Cardinal, on condition on anonymity. “Then all of a sudden, something just clicked, and they started rattling off things they felt morally superior than, rapid fire, left and right. It was really a beautiful thing to watch.”

The list, which filled two full parchment scrolls by the time it was completed, was a mix of old and new doctrine. In addition to admonishing pre-marital sex (anal not included at the Methodist President’s behest), coveting one’s neighbor’s wife, stems cell research, goat thievery and Islam, new additions to be scorned included snitches, Broadway musicals, Al Gore, iPod shuffle playlists, apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal, adult education courses and the Fourth Amendment.

“We got along real swell, Benny and I,” the President told reporters assembled outside the Pope’s quarters. “I like the way he thinks, he’s a real forward looker. We both agreed on many important issues that are troubling us both. It was a pleasant surprise to learn that his Eminence was just as horrified as I was when he learned that there are some people out there that are advocating we look for alternative sources of energy. As he said, if it was good enough to light Jesus’ lamp, far be it from us to try and ‘do better’ than that.”

While the list was not fully published, a further excerpt was leaked by someone traveling with the President. The breadth of the condemned was particularly wide, perhaps the most broad reaching scroll of damnation since Calvin Coolidge met with the previous Pope Benedict, the XV, in 1922; that meeting was famous for the damnation of hoop skirts, bob cuts, and market regulation.

Among other things that Bush and Benedict XVI passed judgment on included marble cake, volunteering for Meals on Wheels, the study of Astronomy, mild buffalo wings, being a class mother and keeping private the results of pap smear tests.

The prolific agreement between the two may help to ease what was considered a contentious relationship between Bush and the Pope, though not everyone, at least in Washington, is convinced.

“Yeah, they got along, but the dude’s a Catholic, the great whore,” said long-time Bush backer Reverend John Hagee. “I’m sure there will be a signing statement by the President that reads something to that effect.”


Bush Vows To Liberate Europe From Monarchies

by Jordan Zakarin

At a small press conference held just before he boarded Air Force One, set to embark on his last Presidential tour of Europe, President George W. Bush on Monday vowed to “liberate the downtrodden, oppressed European people” from the oppressive reign of their powerless, ceremonial monarchs. “Power should not be hereditary, something handed down from generation to generation, just because you’re somebody’s kid,” Bush insisted.

“For thousands of years, the Euros have suffered under the terrible tyranny of these throne sitting monsters,” Bush said from the tarmac. “For too long, the United States has stood idly by as the crowns have systematically tightened their grip on the people of their respective kingdoms. Now, I hear them appeal to me for help, I will assure them that America will remain steadfast in her support to create a flourishing society on the Old Continent.”

“I mean, the Peace of Westphalia provided for a Spanish Netherlands, Bavaria and Ottoman Empire,” Bush said, as he gave examples of oppressed people. “I see Spain, and I see the Netherlands, but no Spanish Netherlands. The only thing I know about Bavaria is the chocolate, and, as for the Ottoman Empire, who knows what happened to them? They could be totally extinct right now, which would be a real tragedy.”

The President outlined his overall goals for Europe, stating that he hoped to help Europeans achieve the quality of life that people in the United States did. “To succeed,” Bush stated, “they will need to allow the free market system to take hold and create capital, with the ultimate vision of a stable currency worth at least a significant fraction of our mighty dollar. It may even be easier to set them up on some sort of continent-wide currency, given their shared borders, but that would be up to them.”

Bush also said he envisioned that one day, in the more distant horizon, at least some European countries would have public education systems that provided schooling through at least grade school free of charge, and some sort of rudimentary health care system, though he refused to comment on how much Europeans might have to pay in co-pays and deductibles. “That’s the least of their worries right now, I’m sure,” Bush said.

“It just hasn’t been part of the fabric of their society, like it has here, in America. The very minds behind democracy itself, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, were Americans. That such a radical, dramatic idea could have been hatched without the seedlings of contributions and inspiration from a previous generation of thinkers and philosophers is just darn impressive,” Bush said.

Turning his attention to individual countries, he presented his plans for each. In Britain, he said, “I know the people and the media are absolutely sick and bored with the constant attention that the Royal Family demands by decree by their so-called Queen. We will bring to them a new kind of media, one free of rumor and innuendo and smut, like we have in the United States.”

Noticing the high number of people with the surnames of Sanchez and Castillo in Spain, Bush promised that, once he forced King Juan Carlos I to abdicate, he would help push through comprehensive immigration reform to try and handle the influx of undocumented workers.

As for the Dutch, the President reserved his highest disgust for their monarchy. “What are they, Dutch? English? German? Orange? No wonder why those people are so effed up. I hope to God we don’t get a street insurgency there, that’s for sure.”

Bush: Economy Doing “Heckuva Job”

by Jordan Zakarin

A day after the Department of Labor reported a 22-year high in unemployment, oil prices soared to record highs and the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell nearly 400 points in reaction to the devastating fiscal news, President Bush praised the economy, saying it was doing a “heckuva job” for the American people.

The report placed unemployment at 5.5%, with 8.55 million people out of work, including 1.55 million that have been without jobs for longer than 26 weeks, making them ineligible for unemployment benefits. In May alone, the United States shed 49,000 jobs. The statistics, Bush said, were positive indicators for the country’s economy.

“With just 5.5% of our people out of work long term, that’s like 92.5% that have jobs, which is pretty good. We’re definitely ahead of Iraq.” Bush said. “We’re creating jobs every day, and while the doubters point out that many of those jobs are low-paying service industry positions that pay no where near what the old manufacturing jobs we shipped overseas did, slurpees are a vital part of this country’s economy. I know I couldn’t live without my late night frozen drink. Have you tried the various Mountain Dew ones they got now? Awesome.”

As for the 49,000 who were laid off this month, and the millions of Americans seeing their homes foreclosed on Bush offered empathy. “Don’t forget, I’ve got about six months left until I lose my job, and my home. Well, one of my homes. But I’m a positive, optimistic person. I see it as a chance to take some time off and relax, clear some brush and see friends. I think Americans would be served well to adopt that outlook, especially those that have worked as hard as I have.”

When questioned about the record oil prices that threaten to put a damper on the summer travel industry, as well as make it costlier and costlier for people to run their air conditioners in the sweltering upcoming months, Bush lauded the spike in prices.

“Yeah, it’s gotten expensive, and I can sympathize with people having trouble with it. Do you know how much it costs to fill Air Force One? Neither do I, but I can imagine it’s a huge bill for the taxpayers. But, on the whole, this is a good thing. It’s proof that our free market, a market that I have repeatedly insisted must be left to regulate its own devices, is working,” Bush insisted. “Supply and demand, folks. It’s something we learned about Harvard Business School, and it’s just proof that our American system is working.”

Regarding people’s struggles with the high prices, the President said that he had little control over the situation. “Sure, some people may be struggling to fill their tanks, making it impossible to keep the paycheck they earn after their filling up for commutes to work, but that’s we call the invisible hand. And the hand, right now, controlled by oil companies and traders, is reaching into American pockets. Some call that price gouging, even corruption, but my economists and I, we call it ‘trickle down.'”