Category Archives: Election 2008

Obama’s Conversation with Men’s Room Attendant Spurs Talk of Joint Ticket

by Jake Maccoby

As speculation as to who presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama will choose as his Vice Presidential running mate continues to ramp up, with time edging nearer to the traditional summer selection period, some insiders and pundits believe the Illinois Senator may have already made his choice.

During dinner at the Olive Garden, Senator Obama had a cordial conversation with men’s room attendant Arthur Finklestein, who reportedly told the Senator that he was “planning on supporting” him, perhaps “even doing some handing out flyers if the hip cooperates.” The declaration, believed to be tantamount to an endorsement, had the political classes buzzing as the towel jockey’s pros and cons are weighed in comparison to other entrants in the Veepstakes.

Some believe that Finklestein’s humble background would attract those hard-working Americans, white Americans, that Senator Hillary Clinton largely dominated in the Democratic primaries.

“For someone who talks about changing Washington, this would be a very exciting pick,” said James Carville, who had previously characterized an Obama-Clinton ticket as “a very exciting pick” that would “in no way destroy the Democratic Party and leave the nation a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

Another factor working in Finklestein’s favor was his breadth of experience. At 73-years old, a year older than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, the bathroom attendant boasts an impressive resume, having lived through a World War, a Cold War, the Vietnam War and the Olive Garden-Red Lobster conflict of 1992, when the seafood chain moved in across the highway, touching off a fierce battle before the Olive Garden drove it to relocation in May, 1993.

Margaret Carlson, a journalist at Bloomberg News, agreed that Obama’s conversation with Finklestein showed that the hygiene professional was regarded by the Obama Campaign as a “top-teir contender.”

Earlier speculation for the vice-presidency had swirled around New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson after his endorsement in April, former Senator John Edwards after his endorsement in June, Senator Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore, and, following a successful box-office release, The Incredible Hulk. It is also speculated that if the search drags on, a successful July 18th weekend would see Batman thrown into the mix, as well.

Wolf Blitzer, a CNN reporter and host of “The Situation Room,” was similarly effusive.

“Yeah, we were pretty sure about Richardson, Edwards, Clinton, Gore, [Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck] Hagel, [Ohio Governor Ted] Strickland, and [Virginia Senator Jim] Webb—but Finklestein? This is the guy, for sure.”

When asked whether Finklestein was under consideration for the position, the Obama campaign would neither confirm nor deny the reports.

“Arthur is a dedicated, tireless public servant,” said Obama campaign spokesman David Plouffe. “Naturally, he would be on anybody’s shortlist.”

Finklestein played down the likelihood of his selection, but refused to rule out the possibility.

“Right now I’m happy to serve the good people of Olive Garden,” he said. “I’m not seeking the vice presidency, I’m not expecting to be offered the vice presidency, but if Senator Obama thinks I’m the best candidate, then we’ll have that conversation. Until then, I’ll just go on and on about the pesto pasta and my nominally athletic grandson who scored a lucky goal last weekend in the in-town soccer league.”

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American Idol David Cook Wins Democratic Nomination

by Jordan Zakarin

Six months into the primary season and still without a candidate to face Republican John McCain, newly crowned American Idol winner David Cook was tabbed by Democratic leaders as the party’s nominee for President on Thursday, earning the nod thanks to an overwhelming advantage in the popular vote. Cook, an independent musician and bartender from Blue Springs, Missouri, earned 54.6 million votes on election Tuesday.

Having won over 15 million more votes than Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and all other former candidates in the Democratic primary combined, Cook made his case to party elders that he was by far the most electable candidate come November’s general election. The rocker excited Democratic superdelegates and power brokers by earning the 54.6 million votes in a blowout victory over rival David Archuleta, with the party leaders believing that the already massive turnout could be amplified by a competitive race.

“The guy ran against a total weenie, some 13-year old ex-Menudo member, and he still came within two million votes of what John Kerry got in 2004,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “This guy is the future, he’s from the Midwest, and is clearly someone voters can get behind. If he can pull off a Collective Soul song and turn that into a win, there’s no way we can go wrong here.”

Democratic strategist James Carville, who has supported New York Senator Hillary Clinton throughout the campaign, agreed with Dean’s assessment. “This guy’s a fighter, has overcome quite a lot. He sent himself to the hospital over stress from a singing competition, and even worse, performed hit songs arranged by cover bands,” he said. “But he kept on trucking, singing Billie Jean and Duran Duran, which takes balls this day in age. And that’s something the American people like to see, something they can really relate to. Balls. Seems to be a prerequisite these days.”

Democratic officials have been buzzing ever since the Cook nomination was made official, excited that Cook offered the best possible contrast to McCain. “Hmm, let’s see. One’s an old fake with a bad temper and a funny jaw,” remarked one Democratic fundraiser. “The other, while still a bit of a phony, is a shabby-chic rocker who is about to get more pussy than a toilet seat,” the fundraiser continued.

While there was some dissent in the party, one thing was agreed on by all in the caucus: thank God third place winner Syesha Mercado didn’t win the whole thing, as there’s no place for a black or a woman in presidential politics.

Campaigns Seek Distance From “Delusional” Religious Leaders

by Jordan Zakarin

The campaigns of the two candidates for the Democratic nomation for President, Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, sought Saturday to distance themselves from what they called the “radical” and “delusional” sermons and beliefs of every religious leader in the nation.

In an interview with Really Serious News, Senator Obama asserted his strong stance on the increasingly controversial matter. “For the past twenty years I have been a devout Christian, and my faith plays a significant role in my daily life, but I do not agree with those statements made by and beliefs held by these unfortunately misguided men, and women if you count the sissy denominations. This is a campaign based on real solutions for America’s problems, not some pie-in-the-sky fantasy that everything will be solved by a man who magically rises from the dead. Let’s get real, here.”

The Illinois Democrat added, “if we were counting on a dead man fixing everything, Senator McCain would be leading in the polls.”

Likewise, Clinton, the junior senator from New York, said in a statement that in her “35 years of experience, [I] have never seen fishes turned into loaves, or water into wine. If it was possible, we’d be off foreign oil and the hard working Americans now struggling with outrageous gas prices would be pumping their magic carpets with body of Christ ethanol.”

In a broad missive aimed at the delirious Priests, Reverands, Ministers, Pastors, Rabbis, Immams, Shamans, Tribal Chiefs, Wise Elders and Healers that may seek to associate their benzedrine-fueled garble with their real-life presidential ambitions, both Senators pledged that they would focus on the struggling economy and ending the War in Iraq, not pandering to what Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean called “a set of wackjobs that believe our future is entrusted to a two thousand year old non-union carpenter.”

Meanwhile on Saturday, both candidates continued to court the party lawmakers, leaders and elders, known as superdelegates, that hold the fate of the nomination, the presidency, and perhaps the the nation, in their hands.

Both Obama and Clinton continue to poll higher amongst Christian conservatives than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain.