Category Archives: Dick Cheney

Cheney Announces Third Term as Shadow President

by Jordan Zakarin

In a video-teleconference with reporters from an undisclosed location, Dick Cheney announced that he will be seeking his third term as Shadow President in this November’s pseudo-elections. In front of a background that appeared to be some sort of cave and/or Naval control center, the 67-year old said that he would begin his superfluous, unseen campaign for the uncontested position on Monday, with a series of biographical high pitched subliminal tones broadcast on major television and radio networks.

“When I assumed this office in January 2001,” Cheney explained, “I had a number of things that I wanted to accomplish for this fine nation. Many of those things, we’ve gotten done, but I’ve yet to impose my will on the American people as fully as I deem satisfactory. As such, I will be serving a third term come 2009.

“Of course, I’ll certainly ‘campaign’ hard for it, but I’m confident that I will be the unanimous choice of those who make the decisions regarding such things.”

After taking a brief break to exacerbate hunger in Rwanda, Cheney described the accomplishments he was most proud of during his seven and a half years in shadow office.

“Well, certainly, the War in Iraq has to be considered at least one of the crowning achievements, if I’m being truthful,” the generally modest Cheney said. “I pulled that one off despite huge opposition worldwide, and the fact that we’ve been able to keep it going despite the abject hatred for it in this country now, really shows how much I’ve grown into this role.”

Boastfulness unleashed, the Shadow President began to rattle off a list of his top conquests, both domestic and international. “Now, of course, we’ve got the sinking economy, outsourcing of millions of jobs, and a little thing I like to call ‘four dollar ten cent a gallon oil,’ which, I won’t lie, feels good. Real good.”

Incredulous that he almost forgot to name it, Cheney then added, “oh, and probably chief amongst all of them, global warming. That’s long been a goal, since the 70’s at least, and we’re definitely on track with that one, I’m proud to say.”

As for the future and his third term as the dark overlord of American government, the Shadow Presidential candidate was hopeful of getting an even longer list of policy goals implemented, though he largely demured when it came to disclosing them.

“I think we’ve seen that the American people certainly don’t mind being left in the dark on most things, so long as we don’t violate certain standards, like four wheel drive and football on Sundays,” Cheney said. “Strong schools, clean drinking water, children playing in the sprinklers during summertime, celebrating Christmas with family and friends. These are the sorts of things that really matter to the American people, so maybe that’ll give you some idea of what I’m looking to do in this third term.”


Fear of Cheney’s Disapproval Causes Peace in Middle East

by Jake Maccoby

The intense fighting that has gone on between the Israelis and the Palestinians since the founding of the Jewish State more than fifty years ago came to an abrupt end following recent comments by Vice President Dick Cheney that seem to have motivated the two groups to come to an agreement.

At a hastily-planned Peace Summit today, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert signed a peace treaty that effectively ended the decades-long dispute between the Israeli state and the Palestinian territories that simmered for years over Israel’s fundamental right to exist.

The turnaround comes on the heels of comments by Vice President Dick Cheney, who said recently that he was “frustrated” with the lack of a Middle East peace agreement that he felt was “long overdue.”

“The last time he was ‘frustrated,’ they invaded Baghdad,” said one Palestinian official who declined to be named for fear of incurring the Vice President’s wrath. “I mean, sure, I’d like more land, but I don’t need it that badly. We all kind of live in small clusters, anyways. We were concerned with environmentally sustainable open spaces, mostly, but that’s no deal breaker. No biggie—there’s no need for him to get involved whatsoever.”

An Israeli official sounded a similar theme: “Yeah, he had talked about coming over here again to ‘evaluate’ the situation. But everything is fine. We’re cool now. Really. It’s fine. Seriously, he doesn’t need to come over.”

Multiple setbacks have caused stagnation in the peace process, and prospects for a settlement have long appeared unlikely. Though tentative ceasefires have occasionally taken place, and near-breakthroughs have occurred, these have always been shattered by discord.

Representatives of Hamas, the militant terrorist faction that now holds control of Gaza, also attended the summit, and during it they permanently renounced violence towards the Israelis.

“We apologized for everything, we talked it out, and I think we’re okay now,” said one Hamas leader. “We all just got really carried away, that’s all. I mean, bombing buses and firing rockets? I don’t know what we were thinking. Sometimes you get caught up in the moment, you know? I’m going to jail, I’ll tell you that. [Cheney] can’t get into a jail, right?”

During his Middle East trip, Vice President Cheney traveled through Iraq, Oman, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel and Turkey, leaving peace and fearful harmony in his wake. In Turkey, the government reached out to the Kurdistan Workers’ Party, also known as the PKK, with whom they had recently been engaged in a bloody confrontation. Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan stated that he was “very pleased” with the truce, and that he saw no reason to doubt its durability.

“Why, what did he say? Is he coming? What have you heard?”

Although the majority of the truces and ceasefires seem to have been reached out of pure terror, most casual observers see these newly-minted armistices as positive developments. Though they may have been reached under duress, there is hope that the alliances will strengthen over time and lead to a lasting peace in the Middle East.

Cheney, Saudis Brainstorm More Ways to Screw Americans

by Jordan Zakarin

Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia on Friday, holding talks with King Abdullah as the two brainstormed new, creative ways to fuck over the American people.

“I’ve been proud to call King Abdullah a friend for many years, and he and his family have been vital partners in the White House’s ongoing mission to make life as difficult and treacherous as possible for American citizens. This meeting today serves to reaffirm our partnership, and I look forward to working together to finding the best ways to cause as much hardship as possible to the lives of the average American.”

The Vice President was expected to focus on the War on Terror and the oil market, in particular. “We anticipate a healthy discussion about the Saudi Royal Family’s role in financing terrorist cells throughout the world, and hopefully can come to an agreement as to when their next funded hit on American soil takes place,” revealed one aide making the trip with Cheney. “Believe it or not, it’s been nearly seven years, and there is some impatience there.”

The aide also suggested that the two sides would create at least an outline of how many new extremist groups the Royal Family would support over the next two years, carrying into the administration of the next President.

Regarding oil, the Vice President sought assurances that, while production may increase temporarily to placate citizens groups, OPEC would soon taper down barrels per day by at least 35%, and keep prices at at least $124 per barrel, a double hit considering the weakening of the American currency. Cheney remarked that, “with enough elbow grease, we can guarantee that more families than ever will have to make a choice between food and heating bills next winter. The President and I beieve in a free market and consumer choice, and so these discussions will be key in maintaining Americans’ ability to choose.”

Aside from those two most crucial issues, the Cheney and King Abdullah were scheduled to discuss other, more insiduous ways to make the American people as inconvenienced as possible. The aide wrote in an email that, given the Royal Family’s world class stable of thoroughbred horses, millions of tons of horse feces could be imported and dumped on American city streets at a reduced rate. The operation would be modeled after an already successful pilot program in Washington, D.C.

In addition, Cheney hinted at the possibility of the Royal Family using its massive fortune to purchase in bulk American home mortgages and foreclosing on them within two months, with subprime holders being evicted from their homes within three weeks. In addition, he left open a chance that Saudi hitmen would take out American Idol judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson, leaving the nation stuck with Paula Abdul as the lone judge on the hit talent competition.

“I’m excited about the vast possibilities,” Cheney said while sipping a mojito and watching slave labor build yet another building in Dubai. “We’re blessed to have an ally as loyal as the King.”

Al-Qaeda in Iraq Leader Apologizes after Cheney Shoots Him in Face

by Jordan Zakarin

Al-Qaeda in Iraq head Abu Hamza al-Muhajir apologized to Dick Cheney in a press conference on Tuesday, a day after the American Vice President made a secret visit to Baghdad and accidentally shot the terrorist leader in the face.

“My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this week,” al-Muhajir said. “I very much regret the incident and take full responsibility for the Vice President’s furious discharge of bullets at my face at point blank range. Mr. Cheney has served as an inspiration for a new generation of radical Islamic terrorists, and for that I will forever be indebted to him.”

Cheney was on a two day trip to the Iraqi capital, where, never venturing more than a mile outside the heavily fortified Green Zone, he hailed the “spectacular” progress in security. He met privately with leading Iraqi politicians and religious leaders, and at one point met with al-Muhajir, who took over as the top ranked jihaddist for Al Qaeda in Iraq after founder Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in 2006.

The gunshots were fired during a brief hunting outing embarked upon by the two leaders. Lining up a young schoolboy in his crosshairs, a traditional sport in Iraq, Cheney’s aim was obstructed by al-Muhajir entering his line of fire. Recalling his incisive, take-no-prisoners style of decision making, the Vice President discharged his gun anyways, lodging round after round into the terrorist leader’s face. Displaying a rare moment of remorse, Cheney grunted for help. After two ambulances were hit with roadside bombs, a third finally made it to the scene.

Reasoning that “accidents do happen”, al-Muhajir nonetheless asked forgiveness for failing to remove himself from the Vice President’s line of vision, and said he hoped that the incident would not change the administration’s strategy in Iraq.

At another point during his trip, Cheney met with oil field administrators, hearkening back to his days working in the energy industry. He urged the Iraqi government to open up the growing number of functional fields to international investment, delivering an ultimatum of sorts for those that held the key to the rebuilding of the Iraqi economy. If they failed to make the oil fields available to investment, Cheney threatened that he and his partner H.W. would “drink [their] milkshake” and divert of the “ocean of oil” beneath the country’s collective feet to private companies.