Category Archives: 2008 Election

Boca Hilton Manager Says He’d Vote for McCain

by Jordan Zakarin

Four years after presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain vacationed at a Hilton in Boca Raton, Florida, the luxury resort’s manager says that he will be voting for the GOP standard bearer come November.

In a wide-ranging interview, Roger Daniels says that he came to appreciate McCain over the Arizona Senator’s week long stay at the hotel that he has managed for the past six years, and has no doubts that, from what he saw, McCain would be a perfect fit to lead the free world.

“No doubt in my mind, the John McCain I got to know during those seven days, he’s a man of class and dignity,” Daniels said. “We see so many tourists every year, but sometimes, certain ones stick out, and he was definitely one that had ‘fun in the sun’ written all over him.”

“[McCain] was a quiet, stoic guest, who particularly enjoyed lounging out by one of our two Olympic sized pools or, sometimes, one of three family-themed pools,” he continued. “He didn’t really swim, but, unlike many people relaxing by the water, didn’t get too angry when kids would inevitably hit him with an errant splash here and there. It takes a big man to not allow that to interrupt or even ruin a nap — nothing seemed to ruin his nap, and that’s something that’s a big relief to waterfront staff. Inter-guest disputes are always the hardest to deal with, and in that way, he was very diplomatic.”

Daniels said that McCain also was a dream to have as a diner, as he often ordered the same meal from room service around 4:00 pm, making it easy and efficient for the kitchen and waitstaff to serve such a distinguished guest. “When you’ve got someone of such high stature, you are always stressing about getting it right,” a glowing Daniels explained. “But, God bless him, Mr. McCain was like clockwork, everyday with the asparagus, grilled cheese and pureed carrots. It really just shows what kind of man he was.”

The 18-year hospitality industry veteran also praised the GOP nominee’s easy going nature at nightly events such as family friendly acoustic guitar concerts and arts and crafts. “Now, he wasn’t too successful at the basket weaving, though no less so than his wife, who I’ll admit lodged a few complaints, mostly at the limited selection we had at our on-facility pharmacy, but he really gave it all. One time, a little girl walked up to him and gave him this beautiful door sign she made with his name on it. I think he was at first confused, but then very touched, and it’s that type of person that I think we should be looking for.”

A strong proponent of Florida tourism, Daniels said that he and McCain, long an advocate of Arizona’s desert resorts, often had friendly debates about the merits of the two locales, “but nothing that wasn’t done with total respect for one another. He really just couldn’t stand the humidity, he was much more of a dry heat guy.”

One topic of contention with Daniels were the voluminous reports of towel shortages, late housekeeping and snappy concierge, claims that he vehemently denied. “People like to say certain things to get an leg up in this cat and mouse game that’s played between guest and hotel,” he said. “They think they can earn free nights or room service by making those complaints, and it’s quite a shame.” Daniels pointed to photos of happy customers that were featured prominently on the Hilton’s corporate website, offering them as proof of the terrific conditions at the hotel.

A McCain spokesperson gave a brief comment on the interview during a press conference, saying only that, “while Senator McCain appreciates the support of each and every American who have pledged it his campaign, it is ludicrous what this hotel fellow is saying. There is no doubt that Senator McCain and his fellow vacationers have seen dirty deck chairs, lukewarm jacuzzis and far too few towels than desired. I think it’s clear that the Senator has a long record of straight talk, and so while we acknowledge and agree with the manager’s assessment of Mr. McCain’s character, we obviously have a disagreement about what constitutes luxurious.”

McCain Proposes $300 Million for New Adult Diaper

by Jordan Zakarin

Speaking Monday in Fresno, California, the heart of the Silicon Valley, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain called on the nation’s leading innovators to put their talents to use for their country, and offered a substantial reward for doing so.

The 72-year old McCain proposed a $300 million prize for whoever can develop a more efficient adult diaper that would be environmentally friendly while making easier the life of each and every American. He said that the sum, a dollar for every American citizen, was a small price to pay for greater size, capacity and comfort.

“For too long we have relied on big government and big business to remedy this problem, and we have yet to see any real results from those years of patience,” McCain said. “We must make the transition to rewarding the ingenuity of our finest engineers and diaper experts to make this important dream a reality. Depends, your monopoly on the market for incontinence insurance has expired, as far as this young, vital presidential candidate is concerned.”

The Arizona Senator outlined the requirements for the new product, which he promised would “change the way each and every person, every single citizen, every man, woman and child of every age in this fine country functions on a day to day basis.

“Middle class and working Americans nationwide know that as they campaign for the Presidency of the United States, they need something they can rely on, something they don’t even need to think twice about.”

First, pointing to leaks that often drain the item prematurely, contributing to unnecessary pollution, McCain insisted it must be safe and self contained, with little chance of spontaneous combustion so that the user may feel comfortable using the new technology.

“This particular aspect is crucial to the design. My friends, any one of my fellow Americans could find themselves a victim to this costly and environmentally hazardous inefficiency at any time, like say when they were shaking hands at a New Hampshire lunch counter, meeting other fellow American citizens that may be interested in what they had to say, or might even want to give them some money. Then, all of a sudden, leaks, pollution, global warming, and the American citizen is left embarrassed on the world stage. We cannot be embarrassed by this any longer.”

Next, the Republican said, the new diaper must be light and require as little energy as possible, creating little to no drag for maximum efficiency in travel. Third, the McCain stipulated that the innovation was quiet and unassuming, a far cry from the large ones on the market today that unmistakably announce their presence.

“We’re looking for something reliable, safe, and not at all noticeable. So unassuming that most people don’t even know it’s there, it just does its job in silence,” he said. “America, there is no shame in asking for change. Or a change.”

Obama’s Conversation with Men’s Room Attendant Spurs Talk of Joint Ticket

by Jake Maccoby

As speculation as to who presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama will choose as his Vice Presidential running mate continues to ramp up, with time edging nearer to the traditional summer selection period, some insiders and pundits believe the Illinois Senator may have already made his choice.

During dinner at the Olive Garden, Senator Obama had a cordial conversation with men’s room attendant Arthur Finklestein, who reportedly told the Senator that he was “planning on supporting” him, perhaps “even doing some handing out flyers if the hip cooperates.” The declaration, believed to be tantamount to an endorsement, had the political classes buzzing as the towel jockey’s pros and cons are weighed in comparison to other entrants in the Veepstakes.

Some believe that Finklestein’s humble background would attract those hard-working Americans, white Americans, that Senator Hillary Clinton largely dominated in the Democratic primaries.

“For someone who talks about changing Washington, this would be a very exciting pick,” said James Carville, who had previously characterized an Obama-Clinton ticket as “a very exciting pick” that would “in no way destroy the Democratic Party and leave the nation a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

Another factor working in Finklestein’s favor was his breadth of experience. At 73-years old, a year older than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain, the bathroom attendant boasts an impressive resume, having lived through a World War, a Cold War, the Vietnam War and the Olive Garden-Red Lobster conflict of 1992, when the seafood chain moved in across the highway, touching off a fierce battle before the Olive Garden drove it to relocation in May, 1993.

Margaret Carlson, a journalist at Bloomberg News, agreed that Obama’s conversation with Finklestein showed that the hygiene professional was regarded by the Obama Campaign as a “top-teir contender.”

Earlier speculation for the vice-presidency had swirled around New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson after his endorsement in April, former Senator John Edwards after his endorsement in June, Senator Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore, and, following a successful box-office release, The Incredible Hulk. It is also speculated that if the search drags on, a successful July 18th weekend would see Batman thrown into the mix, as well.

Wolf Blitzer, a CNN reporter and host of “The Situation Room,” was similarly effusive.

“Yeah, we were pretty sure about Richardson, Edwards, Clinton, Gore, [Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck] Hagel, [Ohio Governor Ted] Strickland, and [Virginia Senator Jim] Webb—but Finklestein? This is the guy, for sure.”

When asked whether Finklestein was under consideration for the position, the Obama campaign would neither confirm nor deny the reports.

“Arthur is a dedicated, tireless public servant,” said Obama campaign spokesman David Plouffe. “Naturally, he would be on anybody’s shortlist.”

Finklestein played down the likelihood of his selection, but refused to rule out the possibility.

“Right now I’m happy to serve the good people of Olive Garden,” he said. “I’m not seeking the vice presidency, I’m not expecting to be offered the vice presidency, but if Senator Obama thinks I’m the best candidate, then we’ll have that conversation. Until then, I’ll just go on and on about the pesto pasta and my nominally athletic grandson who scored a lucky goal last weekend in the in-town soccer league.”

In Startling Turn, GOP Criticizes Black Man For Rejecting Federal Dollars

by Jordan Zakarin

Eschewing the tradition established by spiritual leader Ronald Reagan of fabricating demeaning stories and perpetuating racial stereotypes, the Republican Party on Thursday lashed out after a middle aged black man declined a substantial government handout.

“It’s an insult to the droves and droves of people who do accept that money, who take advantage of what the system is offering,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan. “What is he, too good for that money? Here we are, trying to make sure the playing field is even, no one has an advantage over anyone else, and he says ‘thanks but no thanks.’ This isn’t the America I know and love.”

Duncan was just one of many GOP leaders to hit out at the grossly unappreciative African American. One top House staffer remarked that the man could have bought “so many darn Cadillacs” with the money, but “apparently that just wasn’t enough.”

“Here we have absurdly rich white men, playing within the rules, Medicare working so well for them. And this guy goes and declines our giveaways,” the staffer continued. “We designed the system to work, and it worked so well for so long. Now, this black [sic] guy wants to actually try to get ahead, have more than what the government is offering?

“Looks like, when we get control of Congress again, we’ll have to really increase the amount that the federal government gives out, to bring them back into the system, make sure no matter how much more potential you have, you stay on the same level as everyone else.”

Perhaps most outraged by the African American’s refusal to take advantage of the government’s money was syndicated radio show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been vocal for years about his disdain for those who participated in the welfare state. Now, he concentrated his ire on the man’s willingness to actually work for every dime he earned.

“The audacity of this man, to get on the road and work every day to pay his bills and reach his dreams, it enrages me,” Limbaugh commented during his show on Thursday. “Folks, America is under siege, and those of you in a certain twenty two states that are currently polling two candidates within five points of each other in the Presidential race and have either large African American populations or voters dissatisfied with the economy, you’ll soon feel the impact of this affront to the tried and true American welfare system.”

Limbaugh became impassioned as the rant went on, continuing until he was nearly in tears. “It’s just not fair. Now guys like me are going to have to work extra hard, more than ever, to make sure those the playing field is even, thanks to those ingrates.”

Bush, McCain Call for End to Moratorium on Terrible Ideas

by Jordan Zakarin

In a speech Wednesday in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush joined John McCain in requesting Congress lift the 27-year old ban on terrible ideas as the two work to promote a number of horrific non-solutions to the nation’s energy crisis.

“I agree with Senator McCain that the only way we can address these skyrocketing fuel prices is by doing what we do best,” Bush said, “which requires maximum leeway in crafting, promoting and implementing idiotic, senseless policies that will do little if anything to help the American people while causing further damage to our environment and economy. As such, I’m asking Congress to make sure we have the greatest opportunity to do so.”

Bush’s call for terrible ideas was prefaced with his statement of support for John McCain’s assertion that the United States should begin “environmentally safe oil drilling” in waters close to major tourist hot spots and nature reserves. Bush snickered at the silliness of his friend’s idea from the podium, as reporters noted that not only would the oxymoronically-termed drilling undoubtedly pollute valuable vacation beaches and poison already endangered sea life, most estimates say that it would be over twenty years before any significant impact in oil production or prices was felt.

When the questioning was over, Bush chimed in, making sure reporters “don’t forget that it would do nothing to further the cause of alternative energy research or have any sort of impact in the fight against global warming,” which is believed to be caused by carbon emissions, mostly from burning oil. He also was quick to point out that the main beneficiaries of the idea would be already flourishing oil companies. “So let’s not shortchange this idea.”

Beyond the preposterous oil drilling proposal, Bush said he had a number of other “real winners sitting in the back of the ol noggin, waiting for their chance before I mosey back down to Texas this winter.”

Among his most favoritest, Bush said, was further deregulation of the mortgage industry, targeted tax cuts to hedge fund managers, coining quarters and dimes from mercury and plutonium, bar codes on squirrels,  and a restriction on apple juice sales to illegal immigrants. Asked to justify his proposal for further deregulation of the mortgage industry, the President insisted that he believed that, “those people function best without the man breathing down their neck. That’s when they can be creative and really solve problems.”

In a joint response suggesting that the President had never allowed the wishes of Congress to stop him before, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that “The Iraq War, tax cuts for the rich and No Child Left Behind have proven that the President took little heed,” in what the legislative branch had to say.

Not entirely true, Bush replied.

“It’s true that in my first six years, I had a bit of a looser leash, and look, we got a lot of things done, everything we wanted to accomplish. Now, thanks to the obstructionist tactics of this Democratic Congress, the past year and a half has seen precious little progress on a number of our top priorities. This is simply a way to remedy that situation and get started again with our big, shitty plans.”

Not to be overshadowed by the man he is trying to replace, McCain went one further in his plans to come to a horrible solution to the energy crisis, calling on the United States to create 100 new nuclear power plants in the coming years. “Why not?,” McCain said. “I was there in Nagasaki, that shit was awesome. No downside.”

McCain Accuses Obama of Having July 3rd Mindset

by Jordan Zakarin

Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain accused Democratic Rival Barack Obama of having a “July 3rd mindset” during a conference call with reporters on Tuesday, touching off a war of words between the two candidates that played out through the media.

“With all due respect, I frankly believe that Senator Obama is living in a pre-July 4th world,” McCain said. “Perhaps he does not quite grasp the gravity of what occurred on that otherwise quiet summer day in the summer of 1776, but I do, because I was there.”

Continuing his attack, the Arizona Senator said that he believed that Obama was guilty of naïvely underestimating the threat that is facing the United States. “What my opponent does not understand, is that we must remain on the offensive, ever vigilant against the unrelenting desire to destroy our democracy that drives King George’s fanatical Red Coats.”

Obama fired back at the GOP standard bearer, saying the accusations were both false and a sign of the McCain campaign’s weakness. “Let me say that, I respect John McCain’s service to his country. He displayed bravery all those years ago. But for him to accuse me of being naïve, that just smacks of desperation. He wouldn’t be attacking me if he didn’t think his record could stand on its own. We all know he’d just be a continuation of King George.”

Later in the day, McCain responded with a defense of his foreign policy and military credentials, a resume that he hopes to turn into a cornerstone of his campaign. He hammered Obama for not meeting with the top generals in charge of the Continental Army, saying he was in close contact with a number of Colonial military leaders.

“Perhaps Senator Obama does not truly understand the situation we are in because he has not taken the time to meet the heroes that are waging this war against the King’s forces,” McCain charged. “I have known Generals Washington and Morgan for years, having served with them in the French-Indian War. Horatio Gates and Lafayette are also close personal friends of mine. And I’ve visited with all of those great men on the battlefields of this war, amidst the fog of the muskets and cannons, and the bayonets breathing down our throats. So don’t tell me I don’t understand this modern day enemy.”

A short time later, McCain made his most piercing remarks, echoing President Bush’s speech in Israel last month that suggested that Obama was appeaser in the vein of Neville Chamberlain.

“My opponent likes to talk about hope, but my friends, my most sincere hope for this country is that it is not taken down from the inside by Tory loyalists and tea-tax sympathizers,” a now impassioned McCain said. He continued to hammer away at Obama, whom he called “someone who apparently believes Bunker Hill could have been avoided if we had all sat down together and ‘talked’ like nice colonists.”

“Now, for all the talking the Senator from Illinois likes to do about judgment, let me remind my fellow Americans that are unsure of the distinction between the two of us, that I was the first to go out on a limb, bucking both Federalists and Jeffersonian Democrat-Republicans, in calling for a change in strategy in the war. Now that the strategy I advocated, General George Washington’s strategic retreats through New York, is being utilized, I believe we have taken a significant turn in this war.”

Obama had the final word, at a late-night rally in Michigan, where he insisted that McCain was too entrenched in an outdated politics to make an effective commander-in-chief. “Today, we are in need of a new kind of politics, a hopeful foreign policy, and I’m afraid John McCain is stuck in the past, fighting the same old battles that Americans and British alike are ready to move on from.”

Supreme Court Reverses Gore Endorsement, Awarding it to McCain

by Jake Maccoby and Jordan Zakarin

Mere moments after formally announcing his backing for Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama in an email to supporters, former Vice President Al Gore’s endorsement was blocked and reversed by a 5-4 Supreme Court decision, handing the Nobel Prize winner’s full throated support to Republican nominee John McCain.

Writing for the majority, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that regardless of who Gore intended to support, a strict constructionist reading of his statement made it clear that, from a legal standpoint, his endorsement must be awarded to the GOP candidate.

“It is plainly obvious, by reading Section One, Clause Four of Article Two, that the framers, Jefferson, Madison and Hamilton, were firm in their resolve, that in the 2008 Presidential election, 219 years after ratification, former Vice President Gore, who the constitution also stipulated must lose the 2000 Presidential election regardless of the voters’ wishes, would be required to hand his endorsement and considerable public influence to John McCain, who was himself one of the original framers of Constitution,” Scalia wrote.

Seconds after the ruling, Charlie Black, a spokesman for the McCain campaign, said that “Senator McCain is gratified and humbled by the support of Vice President Gore, and he urges the American people to unite behind him for the good of the nation.”

Black also called any possible attempts by Gore to challenge the ruling “extremely divisive,” stating that “any type of debate or divergence would be extremely dangerous in the face of the impending election this November.”

Constitutional scholars have been abuzz since the decision was handed down, heatedly debating whether the court had the authority to overturn a personal opinion. Mercer Archwell, a fellow at the conservative Heritage Foundation, said that he thought that the court was well within its jurisdiction to do so.

“Of course they have every right to do it,” Archwell wrote in an op-ed column that ran in Tuesday’s edition of The Wall Street Journal. “This country was founded on people telling other people what to think and say. I think that the court was simply basing its decision on the best available precedents, from the Salem Witch Trials of 1693 to the Joseph McCarthy hearings of 1954. This is just pure American tradition.”

Not so fast, said constitutional scholar Jason Derek. “This is an absolute outrage, a preposterous abuse of power that is not even endowed upon them by any document, constitution or legal doctrine otherwise. That this country now has a court that disregards the laws it is sworn to protect, it just sucks. I wish there was something we could do about it, but I guess we’ll just take it on the chin again.”

In response to Derek’s allegations, a spokesperson for the court noted that the judges had seen precedent in a 2000 case that established judicial review over all actions taken by Al Gore. The former Vice President was unavailable to comment, as aides say he was in Greenland, eating ice cream sandwiches before they all melted.

In addition to Gore, thousands of elderly Jewish residents of Florida were dismayed at the news that they had each inadvertently issued endorsements of Pat Buchanan.