SCOTUS Decision Spurs Minutemen Revival

by Jordan Zakarin

Over 230 years since the first pitched battles of the American Revolution, Thursday’s Supreme Court decision reversing laws barring well-armed state militias has served as the catalyst for the re-establishment of several groups of self-armed, haphazard groups of farmers and masons bent on fighting back against the imperial British.

The split, 5-4 decision was authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, who, joined by  Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Alito, Thomas and Kennedy, wrote that the Second Amendment explicitly extended the right to rural freedom fighters to band together to battle for their fledgling nation.

“Despite dissension in our ranks, to me, it’s crystal clear,”  Scalia wrote in his introduction. “Upon reading the actual text of the amendment; ignoring all context; and turning a blind eye to over 200 years of technological, societal and governmental progress; we see that the article’s prefatory clauses connote that the framers intended the citizens of this 13-state republic to have unfettered ability to form small, ragtag groups of guerilla fighters, in order to patrol the woods of the Northeast and instigate skirmishes with the Redcoats.

“Any law, local, state or federal, that prohibits that heroic, patriotic yeoman activity is hitherto found unconstitutional, retroactively and from this moment forward.”

Within moments of the ruling being handed down, the long-retired cowbells summoning the militiamen rang out across the countryside, calling to assembly for the first time since the 18th century the rabble rousing volunteer fighters.

The most prominent of the re-formed militia were the Massachusetts Minutemen, who by three p.m. were assembled in a Cambridge square. Muskets locked and loaded, pitchforks sharpened and farm animals locked in the barn, the newly reassembled colonists, clad in workmans’ clothing and buckskin hunting outfits, began to reacquaint themselves after over two centuries of downtime. Soon, they were once again railing against the Intolerable Acts handed down by Governor of Massachusetts, General Thomas Gage. After a brief break to watch the Red Sox World Series DVD Box Set, they began plotting another successful defense of Lexington and Concord.

Enthusiasm abound, Minutemen spoke excitedly about their reformation.

“Tis a bright day in the sun for this fine nation, this would-be republic under God, wherein we once again come together as brothers in arms to defend our right to a life free of tyranny, to defend our freedom of self-determination,” said Paul Westinghouse, a Boston-area farmer and battalion leader. “We all must thank those brave justices for having the courage to interpret amendment as it was intended when it was first written, with no regard for what may or may not be appropriate in a more advanced, civilized future.”

Similarly, militiamen in all twelve other colonies quickly cleansed the dust off their hunting rifles and gathered for an inspiring reading of Patrick Henry speeches and Thomas Paine’s Common Sense, various reports indicated.

William Fitzadams, an iron worker and member of a Maryland militia battalion, put the day in perspective, declaring that, “now that we have our God given rights back, after so many years of inane state laws banning our very existence, we can once again fight for freedom from armed tyranny and fear of being shot on the streets of our own town. O! Glorious day it is.”


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