by Jordan Zakarin
Speaking Monday in Fresno, California, the heart of the Silicon Valley, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain called on the nation’s leading innovators to put their talents to use for their country, and offered a substantial reward for doing so.
The 72-year old McCain proposed a $300 million prize for whoever can develop a more efficient adult diaper that would be environmentally friendly while making easier the life of each and every American. He said that the sum, a dollar for every American citizen, was a small price to pay for greater size, capacity and comfort.
“For too long we have relied on big government and big business to remedy this problem, and we have yet to see any real results from those years of patience,” McCain said. “We must make the transition to rewarding the ingenuity of our finest engineers and diaper experts to make this important dream a reality. Depends, your monopoly on the market for incontinence insurance has expired, as far as this young, vital presidential candidate is concerned.”
The Arizona Senator outlined the requirements for the new product, which he promised would “change the way each and every person, every single citizen, every man, woman and child of every age in this fine country functions on a day to day basis.
“Middle class and working Americans nationwide know that as they campaign for the Presidency of the United States, they need something they can rely on, something they don’t even need to think twice about.”
First, pointing to leaks that often drain the item prematurely, contributing to unnecessary pollution, McCain insisted it must be safe and self contained, with little chance of spontaneous combustion so that the user may feel comfortable using the new technology.
“This particular aspect is crucial to the design. My friends, any one of my fellow Americans could find themselves a victim to this costly and environmentally hazardous inefficiency at any time, like say when they were shaking hands at a New Hampshire lunch counter, meeting other fellow American citizens that may be interested in what they had to say, or might even want to give them some money. Then, all of a sudden, leaks, pollution, global warming, and the American citizen is left embarrassed on the world stage. We cannot be embarrassed by this any longer.”
Next, the Republican said, the new diaper must be light and require as little energy as possible, creating little to no drag for maximum efficiency in travel. Third, the McCain stipulated that the innovation was quiet and unassuming, a far cry from the large ones on the market today that unmistakably announce their presence.
“We’re looking for something reliable, safe, and not at all noticeable. So unassuming that most people don’t even know it’s there, it just does its job in silence,” he said. “America, there is no shame in asking for change. Or a change.”