Jesus Demures on Obama VP Talk

by Jordan Zakarin

The Lord Jesus Christ, during a brief appearance on Meet the Press on Sunday, was characteristically vague and coy when the topic of conversation turned to Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama and his ongoing vice presidential vetting process.

When asked to address speculation that he may be on the Illinois’ Senator’s shortlist of running mates, the Christian Messiah said that he was unaware of the rapidly spreading chatter around the capital.

“Of this, I know not,” Jesus remarked, a slight smile cracking across his face as he finished his answer. “I have faith that the Senator will find what he’s looking for on this journey, if my father wills it, and Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg can run a successful search team despite her inexperience doing so.”

While Christ himself was demure about the possibility that he would end up on the ticket with Obama, some Democratic insiders insist that, regardless of what he said during the interview, the Savior was well aware of the chatter. One Democratic operative, with knowledge of the VP search, said that Jesus was hesitant to jump into the fray of this November’s election.

“He’s concerned with a number of things,” said the operative. Amongst his most prominent fears, he said, the Son of God was afraid he would be overshadowed by Obama throughout the campaign. “The guy [Obama] is hot right now, with a real massive following, and I don’t think Jesus wants to get lost in the shuffle.”

Another veteran Democratic strategist, on condition of anonymity, speculated that the perfect manifestation of the Holy Spirit was wary of the vaunted Republican attack machine. “After the whole Roman trials ordeal, which took a while for him to overcome, you can understand why he might be unsure of going toe to toe with Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge,” the strategist said.

Party officials and campaign advisers are torn on what His Holiness would bring to the ticket, with some believing he would more helpful than harmful, and others thinking Jesus Christ would be a liability for Obama.

Those advocating for Christ on the ticket note that he is a strong speaker on the stump, and reinforces Obama’s campaign theme of hope and change. In addition, he can boast a resume of experience, which can help shore up one of the main criticisms of the largely untested Illinois Senator.

Democrats wary of Obama choosing the man who died for our sins as his Vice Presidential nominee are fearful that, as an outspoken advocate of peace and understanding, Jesus Christ would be painted as way too liberal and too much of a dove by the Republicans, who will try to build an advantage in the debate on national security.

“If you listen to his speeches, the amount of welfare this guy advocates for, the kind of medical care he thinks everyone is entitled to, then with the strict anti-war stance, I don’t know who we’re kidding if we don’t think he’ll get creamed by the right wing smear machine,” said Democratic Strategist Bob Shrum.

Then there are others who are more pragmatic about what an Obama-Christ campaign would look like. “Listen, we understand that there are just certain people out there that won’t vote for us, regardless of who is on the ticket or what kind of platform we take up,” said one DNC official.

“The so-called ‘values voters’ from the South and Midwest stick out among them. What we need to do is appeal to the center, where the bulk of America is. Perhaps we’ll see soon whether or not Jesus can do that.”

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One response to “Jesus Demures on Obama VP Talk

  1. That was hilarious. Thanks.

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