by Jordan Zakarin
At a small press conference held just before he boarded Air Force One, set to embark on his last Presidential tour of Europe, President George W. Bush on Monday vowed to “liberate the downtrodden, oppressed European people” from the oppressive reign of their powerless, ceremonial monarchs. “Power should not be hereditary, something handed down from generation to generation, just because you’re somebody’s kid,” Bush insisted.
“For thousands of years, the Euros have suffered under the terrible tyranny of these throne sitting monsters,” Bush said from the tarmac. “For too long, the United States has stood idly by as the crowns have systematically tightened their grip on the people of their respective kingdoms. Now, I hear them appeal to me for help, I will assure them that America will remain steadfast in her support to create a flourishing society on the Old Continent.”
“I mean, the Peace of Westphalia provided for a Spanish Netherlands, Bavaria and Ottoman Empire,” Bush said, as he gave examples of oppressed people. “I see Spain, and I see the Netherlands, but no Spanish Netherlands. The only thing I know about Bavaria is the chocolate, and, as for the Ottoman Empire, who knows what happened to them? They could be totally extinct right now, which would be a real tragedy.”
The President outlined his overall goals for Europe, stating that he hoped to help Europeans achieve the quality of life that people in the United States did. “To succeed,” Bush stated, “they will need to allow the free market system to take hold and create capital, with the ultimate vision of a stable currency worth at least a significant fraction of our mighty dollar. It may even be easier to set them up on some sort of continent-wide currency, given their shared borders, but that would be up to them.”
Bush also said he envisioned that one day, in the more distant horizon, at least some European countries would have public education systems that provided schooling through at least grade school free of charge, and some sort of rudimentary health care system, though he refused to comment on how much Europeans might have to pay in co-pays and deductibles. “That’s the least of their worries right now, I’m sure,” Bush said.
“It just hasn’t been part of the fabric of their society, like it has here, in America. The very minds behind democracy itself, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, were Americans. That such a radical, dramatic idea could have been hatched without the seedlings of contributions and inspiration from a previous generation of thinkers and philosophers is just darn impressive,” Bush said.
Turning his attention to individual countries, he presented his plans for each. In Britain, he said, “I know the people and the media are absolutely sick and bored with the constant attention that the Royal Family demands by decree by their so-called Queen. We will bring to them a new kind of media, one free of rumor and innuendo and smut, like we have in the United States.”
Noticing the high number of people with the surnames of Sanchez and Castillo in Spain, Bush promised that, once he forced King Juan Carlos I to abdicate, he would help push through comprehensive immigration reform to try and handle the influx of undocumented workers.
As for the Dutch, the President reserved his highest disgust for their monarchy. “What are they, Dutch? English? German? Orange? No wonder why those people are so effed up. I hope to God we don’t get a street insurgency there, that’s for sure.”