By Jake Maccoby
Following the release last week of Senator John McCain’s medical records, Dr. Philip A. Hinkley, a physician to the Republican nominee-in-waiting, said today that the Arizona Senator is in “better shape than any president who served before 1976.” The records were perused for an allotted three hours by reporters as his campaign declared him to be in excellent health for a man whose own bodily store of mold cured his syphilis long before the discovery of penicillin.
Still, the McCain campaign released the information on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend in order to lessen the coverage of his numerous ailments, including “gallstone hemorrhoids,” “chronic mastadonia,” and the plague.
Spokesman Charlie Black said McCain’s health records clearly assuaged any and all concerns that he would be unable to handle the grueling life of a presidential nominee.
“If you look at the records, you will find that Senator McCain is in much better shape than a great many of our past presidents who served with distinction,” said Black. “Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Lyndon Johnson—all of these men served our nation, and Senator McCain’s health can be favorably compared with theirs in many respects.”
Black went on to name several specific illnesses that Senator McCain suffers from to a lesser degree than do former presidents Ford, Reagan, and Johnson, including “worms” and “decomposition.” On the whole, Black said that he was “glad to be able to put the issue of Senator McCain’s health to rest. Just bury that notion.”
There were, however, lingering concerns that Mr. McCain’s condition was so blithely declared “healthy” by the media after his records were made available for only three hours.
“Three hours?” said Dr. Albert Meinheimer, a professor of Paleontology at the University of Pennsylvania. “There is simply no way that, given that amount of time, you could even scratch the surface of his vast list of illnesses, maladies, allergies, disabilities, and malfunctions.” The list, said Dr. Meinheimer, included Irritable Coccyx Disorder, Menstrual Tyranny, and Boobles. A more extensive list also includes Nasal Dyspepsia, Infant Bosnian Apostasy, Acute Colon Apathy, Rectal Irrigation, and a severe case of the skivvies.
Senator McCain is also the only known victim of Restless Leg Syndrome.
McCain Campaign officials dismissed these ailments as trifling, arguing that “Senator McCain in his current condition is more able to govern this great nation than Ronald Reagan, Franklin Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln put together.”