Every Marriage Instantly Destroyed in NY, California

by Jordan Zakarin

As the gavel fell at the California Supreme Court on May 15th, millions of Golden State couples immediately felt their marriage bonds irrevocably destroyed, and just two weeks later, the phenomenon repeated itself, as every single married person in New York experienced the first pangs of bitterness and resentment towards their significant other.

The total blaspheming of the involuntary human emotion came as a result of landmark decisions in each state. In California, the Court’s overturning of the state’s ban on same-sex marriage blithely destroyed the very institution it aimed to expand; destruction then lifted itself into the San Francisco to Greenwich Village GayStream and landed in New York, where Governor David Paterson ordered that his state recognize same-sex unions performed elsewhere, thus undermining the flawless matrimonies shared by millions of deeply devoted, permanently joyful couples.

“Marriage in America was perfect until those activist judges and elected officials spat in the face of tradition, of thousands and thousands of years of bliss and equality between man and woman,” said one prominent California conservative. “Now, the fact that gays may be able to experience that same happiness and gain those rights exclusive to married couples — it’s just bastardizing the entire purpose of marriage.”

One Republican-appointed administrator in the New York State Department of Health, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, said that all sorts of brand new problems have cropped up since Governor Paterson’s executive order.

“All of a sudden, we’re getting calls on husbands beating wives, mothers beating children,” the official noted. “We’ve been flooded by reports of sex outside the marriage, so much so that we have had to coin a new term for it; now, that’s known around the department as ‘adultery.’ It’s been incredible, just all the problems that have sprung up between man and wife, when just a few weeks ago, everything was absolutely perfect.”

Public schools in both California and New York have also been reporting severe confusion about gender roles and sexuality amongst both male and female students. The California Department of Education issued a memo on Friday outlining the existential questions that have begun torturing the state’s students since the Supreme Court ruling.

The memo notes that, given that sexual preference is determined only by what a student’s classmates’ parents are doing behind closed doors, the ruling has planted seeds of doubt in every developing mind attending a California school. In its introduction, the memo states that, “whereas before it was as clear as a boner in math class or a straying finger in the girls’ bathroom which gender each of these students’ rabid, overbearing and shameful sex drives were aimed at, the very possibility that a man or woman could be permitted to officially declare their happiness with a decision that has clearly permeated the mainstream consciousness – that’s really confusing these kids.”

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