by Jordan Zakarin
While delivering his customary Memorial Day address from the Arlington National Cemetery, President Bush warned on Monday that, if those seeking to end the War in Iraq had their way, the “awesome” late May holiday would end up canceled.
“It has been a central mission of my Presidency to keep this party fresh each year,” Bush told military officials and their families gathered at the cemetery. “Say they do end up bringing the troops home. All of a sudden, no new eulogies to give. It becomes all repeat mourning, and that gets real old, real quick. I know that I get bored pretty easily, and I think the American people share that same sentiment. After a year, no one cares about the soldiers who have died in years’ past — Karl Rove has done surveys.”
Bush continued his dark chain reaction prediction, saying that once Memorial Day loses its pizazz, “pretty soon, the citizens [will] start bailing. Bam, you look up after shotgunning a beer over the Tomb of the Lost Soldier, look around, and realize the party’s over.”
Calling anti-war protesters “total gnar kills”, the President outlined what he termed a “bleak future” without a hoppin, up-to-date Memorial Day celebration to ring in the summer season. “It’s not just the party itself, dude. If we don’t keep injecting new blood into this thing, what happens to all the department store sales? Our economy depends on those blowout price reduction days; I got a throw rug and Wolfgang Puck pots and pans set at Macy’s, each for 65 percent off, so believe me, I know.”
Bush also cautioned that community pools would have no set guideline as to when they should open their waters to the general public, which could lead to an educational crisis, with fewer and fewer children passing deep water swimming tests.
The President became uncharacteristically teary eyed as he finished his speech, pleading that “with no more Memorial Day, there is no more long weekend, and for Gods’ sake, work is just so hard.”