American Idol David Cook Wins Democratic Nomination

by Jordan Zakarin

Six months into the primary season and still without a candidate to face Republican John McCain, newly crowned American Idol winner David Cook was tabbed by Democratic leaders as the party’s nominee for President on Thursday, earning the nod thanks to an overwhelming advantage in the popular vote. Cook, an independent musician and bartender from Blue Springs, Missouri, earned 54.6 million votes on election Tuesday.

Having won over 15 million more votes than Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and all other former candidates in the Democratic primary combined, Cook made his case to party elders that he was by far the most electable candidate come November’s general election. The rocker excited Democratic superdelegates and power brokers by earning the 54.6 million votes in a blowout victory over rival David Archuleta, with the party leaders believing that the already massive turnout could be amplified by a competitive race.

“The guy ran against a total weenie, some 13-year old ex-Menudo member, and he still came within two million votes of what John Kerry got in 2004,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “This guy is the future, he’s from the Midwest, and is clearly someone voters can get behind. If he can pull off a Collective Soul song and turn that into a win, there’s no way we can go wrong here.”

Democratic strategist James Carville, who has supported New York Senator Hillary Clinton throughout the campaign, agreed with Dean’s assessment. “This guy’s a fighter, has overcome quite a lot. He sent himself to the hospital over stress from a singing competition, and even worse, performed hit songs arranged by cover bands,” he said. “But he kept on trucking, singing Billie Jean and Duran Duran, which takes balls this day in age. And that’s something the American people like to see, something they can really relate to. Balls. Seems to be a prerequisite these days.”

Democratic officials have been buzzing ever since the Cook nomination was made official, excited that Cook offered the best possible contrast to McCain. “Hmm, let’s see. One’s an old fake with a bad temper and a funny jaw,” remarked one Democratic fundraiser. “The other, while still a bit of a phony, is a shabby-chic rocker who is about to get more pussy than a toilet seat,” the fundraiser continued.

While there was some dissent in the party, one thing was agreed on by all in the caucus: thank God third place winner Syesha Mercado didn’t win the whole thing, as there’s no place for a black or a woman in presidential politics.

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