Bush Challenges Middle East to Game of Beer Pong

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

A week after a defiant trip to the Middle East that saw him compare Senator Barack Obama to Nazi appeasers and urge Arab leaders to install democratic reforms in their countries, President Bush on Thursday challenged the entire region to a massive game of beer pong.

In a speech to a veteran’s group in Bethesda, Maryland, Bush boasted that he would change the face of the Middle East by sinking his ping pong balls into the Middle East’s plastic solo cups of warm Natty Ice before they even knew what hit them.

“For too long tyranny and fundamentalism have reigned in this troubled region, and I vowed on the morning of September the 11th to radically alter that landscape,” Bush said. “It’s time to deliver on that promise, by whipping their asses in pong, just absolutely running them off the table.”

Later in the speech, the President laid out the table rules for the game. “Ten cup, which is what real men play. None of that bouncing shit — one ball, one cup. By the way, two girls, one cup? You see that shit? Sick.” Bush continued, stipulating, “No celebrity guest shots. And, most importantly, no re-racks whatsoever. You should be good enough to hit each cup individually. None of that gay aiming for a general area shit. This isn’t smart bombing in the Gulf War. This is a man’s game.”

During a question and answer session, Bush was asked about the Islamic law against drinking alcohol. “They should quit being such pussies,” he said, adding that “even if they did play completely sober, I’d still whip their asses.”

With some in the press challenging the President’s nomenclature, he insisted that despite a sizable contingent that felt otherwise, he would not call the game Beirut until Hezbollah was removed from power in Lebanon. He did, however, offer to let the people of the Middle East provide input.

“Call it Tehran, Damascus, maybe Gaza… whatev, it’s your call. I’m just ready to start dropping bombs,” he said.

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