Clinton Gearing Up for President of West Virginia Race

by Jake Maccoby

After Senator Hillary Clinton’s strong victory in West Virginia’s Democratic Primary, her campaign has set its sights on a general election campaign for the Presidency of West Virginia, against the winner of the Republican contest, Mike Huckabee.

While most of the focus was on Senator Clinton’s win, Governor Huckabee had already bested the Republican presumptive nominee John McCain at the Republican state convention on Super Tuesday. Senator Clinton alluded to the win in her own victory speech, telling the dozens of older, working-class women in attendance that she was “looking forward” to campaigning against Huckabee in a West Virginia general election.

“I am very excited for this campaign,” she said. “It is the dream that I held dear when I was growing up in Chicago, or Scranton, or New York, or Arkansas, or whatever.”

Clinton, when told Huckabee had exited the race months ago, nevertheless pledged to “drag that bastard out of wherever he’s hiding and give him the beating of a lifetime!”

She continued, saying that “the people of West Virginia have shown that they want a knock-down, drag-out brawl featuring me, the first woman—hardworking, white woman, I might add—to have a shot at the presidency. The people of West Virginia have spoken, and they want me to compete mercilessly against Governor Huckabee for the presidency of West Virginia.”

The duties of the President of West Virginia would, according to Senator Clinton, be much cooler than President of the whole United States, where there are minorities. Job requirements, she said, include being adored and respected by everybody, living in an exact replica of the White House, being addressed as ‘Madame President’ by hordes of loyal followers, receiving invitations to appear at all the most prestigious events and talk shows filmed in the state, and being in command of West Virginia’s mighty military arsenal.

Clinton framed her highly unusual decision as an answer to the fervent pleas of West Virginians, who begged her to stay in the race long after everyone who could read a newspaper had realized that the campaign was effectively over.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached during this campaign by hard-working Americans who say, ‘Don’t give up, Hillary,'” she said. “Or, ‘Keep fighting for us, Hillary.’ Or, ‘Demand that this state schedules an election in which you are selected over Mike Huckabee to be President of West Virginia, Hillary.’ You see, I’m doing this for all of you—because I love West Virginia, where I was probably born, or lived, or something.”

While such a contest is both unlikely and unconstitutional, Clinton did face hypothetical questions about her ability to beat Governor Huckabee in the fictitious and nonsensical West Virginia general election. Clinton was, however, characteristically unconcerned.

“I think that the good people of West Virginia will ultimately realize that I am simply the best prepared and the best able to serve as president of this state,” she said.

“Also, I’m pretty sure Huckabee is black,” she quickly added.

Senator Clinton also did not rule out the possibility of using her power as President of West Virginia to intimidate other states and territories.

“You know, Ohio voted overwhelmingly for me in their primary,” said Clinton. “I’m not saying anything — just think that the working, hard working people, white people of Ohio should have the same opportunities as the people of West Virginia. That’s all I’m saying.”


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