by Jordan Zakarin
Disenchanted by two foreign wars, ever-rising gas prices, a struggling economy and floral arrangements plucked straight out of a nursing home, Americans surveyed in a Really Serious News poll conducted over the weekend by a large majority disapproved of the wedding of President Bush’s daughter Jenna, with nearly 80 percent unhappy with the direction of both the exchanging of vows and the catered affair that followed at the Bush family ranch in Crawford, Texas.
The 22nd First Daughter to tie the knot while her father served in office, the new Mrs. Henry Hager’s wedding was a private affair, unlike the marriage of Tricia Nixon, which was broadcast to the nation in 1972, tastefully lit only by the flicker of flashlights in the hotel suite in which it was held. Those surveyed were displeased with the secrecy, with 54 percent saying they distrusted the administration with everything from accommodations for family to menu selection.
Given that singular focus on privacy and secrecy, 68 percent of respondents described themselves as “wary” of the bride’s maids dresses the Bush White House may select if their power was left unchecked.
Despite the lack of media access, a number of leaks regarding both the wedding and its participants revealed some telling information just a week ahead of the festivities. Based upon the information leaked, the public showed a palpable distaste for nearly every decision made for the wedding, aesthetic or otherwise. Sixty one percent of Americans were unhappy with the food served, which they described as “a sampler from a bad buffet, lacking any coherent, consistent theme or taste,” and seventy one percent found the gift registry either too expensive or too cheap, with little middle ground for thoughtful yet at least semi-affordable gifts that people like themselves could afford.
There was also wide-spread hesitation over the former Jenna Bush’s choice in wedding gown; donning a custom made Oscar de la Renta dress, eighty two percent of those surveyed were displeased that the White House had, in light of the collapse of the American manufacturing sector, outsourced the production of the traditional eggshell white gown to a worker from the Dominican Republic, where wages, human rights laws and quality of stitching are much more loose and lenient than those in the United States.
Also of particular disturbance to the public were the rumors of Vice President Dick Cheney and former Bush political adviser and White House aide Karl Rove dancing their white boy asses off, with inside sources noting that “Turd Blossom and Robot Man cut some real rug.” Seventy four said the dance floor should be reserved for those with consciences, a stunning national referendum against the dancing rights of two of the major architects of the past eight years of American policy.
Senate Minority Leader, Kentucky Republican Mitch McConnell, blasted whomever was behind the anonymous leaks, alleging that the source had “callously given away vital information, giving invaluable aid and comfort to the enemies of weddings everywhere, whether they be small, private family events; fun yet still personal mid-size matrimonies; or grand, lavish affairs with five course meals and Josh Groban hired to provide the soundtrack for the couple’s first dance.”
The Senator continued, warning that, if the leaks continued, “we’d soon all be eloping in Atlantic City, putting off the marriage due to financial concerns, or worse, marrying just for the health benefits. And that’s just not the America I know.”