McCain Declares Victory in PA Dems’ Primary

by Jordan Zakarin

Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain declared victory in the Pennsylvania Democratic Primary on Wednesday, saying that “voters made it loud and clear” who they supported, giving Senator Hillary Clinton a 55 percent to 45 percent victory over Senator Barack Obama.

“Your voices have been heard, Pennsylvania,” the Arizona Republican stated. “You went out to the polls in record numbers on Tuesday, and delivered a message to the rest of the nation. By handing Senator Clinton a decisive victory, Pennsylvanians have stood up and said, ‘We want McCain.'”

McCain, who became the presumptive Republican nominee in February after his last main rival, Mike Huckabee, dropped out of the race, has worked to rally skeptic Republicans around his candidacy, without much worry about sniping from the preoccupied Democratic contenders.

After scoring over 70 percent to win the Pennsylvania GOP primary, McCain’s claim of victory in the Democratic contest would make him the first candidate to win both major party primaries in an individual state, a point he emphasized in his Kentucky speech.

“My friends, the people of Pennsylvania, along with the rest of America, have proven that they are desperate for a candidate who can appeal to both sides of the aisle. The results in the Keystone state only affirmed that I am that candidate. By delivering a win to Senator Clinton, Democrats delivered a message: We will do whatever we can to make sure that it will be virtually impossible for our candidate to win.”

McCain was ebullient throughout his speech, displaying some of the frankness that has earned him his Maverick reputation from a lazy and stenographic press:

“I’m going to engage you in a little straight talk right now, my friends. I’ll be honest: I’m a deeply flawed candidate. I’ve tied myself to a sinking anchor of a war, and was stupid enough to get caught on camera saying I’d be willing to keep troops in Iraq for 100 years if necessary. What kind of bonehead does that? I’d call it a senior moment, but that just emphasizes another weakness: I’m freaking ancient. People my age are more likely to be in a nursing home than the White House. And my economic ideas are just as antiquated.”

The Republican nominee continued to revel in his good fortune, asking, “do you think America really wants more tax cuts for the rich, and absolutely no healthcare reform? Come on. On my own merit, I’d barely win Mississippi. But thanks to the people of the great state of Pennsylvania, we know that my inane positions and weak candidacy simply won’t matter. The people of Pennsylvania have spoken, and the call for substance-free distraction has won out. God bless America. Unless you’re Reverend Wright. Keep that one in mind.”

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2 responses to “McCain Declares Victory in PA Dems’ Primary

  1. Pingback: John McCain News » Blog Archive » McCain Declares Victory in PA Dems’ Primary

  2. Pingback: Obama » McCain Declares Victory in PA Dems’ Primary

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