PA Woman Fears Clinton Nomination

by Jake Maccoby and Jordan Zakarin

Doris Stanwell has never been enthusiastic about voting before now. A lifelong Democrat, Stanwell, 58, says that most elections have come down to a decision between “Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum.”

“It’s the same old story every time,” she says. “We have all this hoopla about the next president of the United States, and it turns out to be another white male.”

This year, however, Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the Democratic nomination has piqued Stanwell’s interest in the competitive primary, because, as she puts it, women need to do everything in their power to prevent a woman from being elected president.

“Have you ever met a lady? We’re crazy! Totally batshit insane! I mean, I should know. All my worst enemies are women. And there is no way in hell I’m letting any woman be in charge of the most powerful country on Earth, I’ll tell you that,” she said, taking a long drag on her cigarette. “I mean, I’d have to be nuts.”

Stanwell referred to a recent Clinton advertisement that suggested Clinton was the best equipped to answer a 3 am crisis phone call at the White House.

“This lady’s talking about dealing with crises? I lost my pocketbook in the Stop N’ Shop, and I just broke down in tears right there in the dog food aisle for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes!”

And while Clinton has tried to paint herself as the most able commander in chief, Stanwell worries that the New York senator would react timidly in a time of national need, pretending that the nation fell down the steps when it, in actuality, was struck by terrorists.

In addition, Stanwell was concerned by her perception of female president’s leadership skills, expecting Clinton would use guilt to motivate the nation, even if the nation had no idea what it had done wrong. She felt that phrases such as, “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you” would pepper State of the Union addresses, and that the president’s proclivity for quizzing her cabinet about her physical appearance would become tiresome.

“Snap decisions, huh?” she said. “It takes us hours to figure out what we’re wearing to the store. To the freaking store! Imagine a state dinner? Let’s say Tony Blair comes here. Game over. Talk about weak kneed. Soon, we’ll all be drinking tea again. Over two hundred years of progress, down the drain.”

A female president’s ability to spend money wisely was also in question, and Stanwell was equally worried that her jealousy of more attractive female White House staffers would lead to mass firings that would cripple the government.

“Listen, I don’t care how sexless this one is. She’s a woman, isn’t she? And we’re just a heaping helping of crazy.”

When asked about her likely reaction if Senator Clinton were to win the presidency, Stanwell was not sanguine.

“If [Senator Clinton] does get elected, then good fucking luck to you. This whole country is going to hell in a handbag, along with lipstick, tampons, and if we’re smart, mace or at least a rape whistle.”

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One response to “PA Woman Fears Clinton Nomination

  1. Pingback: Democratic » PA Woman Fears Clinton Nomination

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