by Jordan Zakarin
A senile, elderly German man somehow made it past US Customs agents early this week, quickly drawing international media attention after making a series of nonsensical statements and displaying a number of bizarre tendencies.
The old timer landed at Reagan International airport in Washington, D.C. and immediately demanded an audience with President Bush, who kindly humored the bat crazy Kraut with a meeting at the White House yesterday. The President even feigned a ceremony for the man, who claimed it just so happened to be his birthday. White House staff quickly hired a number of pedestrians to crowd the lawn in front of the President’s residence, so as to make it seem like people actually cared about what the old man was saying.
“I don’t know where this dude came from, but he’s God damn priceless,” one administration official. “The shit he says, hilarious. I don’t know how he got in, or where he’s from; he says Italy, but it doesn’t sound like it. Either way, pure gold.”
From the moment he was able to circumvent tight US border security, the senile gentleman has indulged in his rich fantasy life, piquing the curiosity of reporters and photographers. Apparently now unable to dress himself, the wrinkled mass shrouds himself in an intricately decorated bathrobe, which he showed off during his pseudo-birthday party.
Touring the streets of Washington, the man, now believed to be a farmer, sought to connect to confused pedestrians he called his sheep, waving to them from the confines of the reinforced fish tank he is kept in to assure neither he nor nearby citizens are injured by his rash, spur of the moment decisions.
Undaunted, one onlooker had just one question: “What’s with that hat?” asked DC resident Christine Ireland.
Later, to a baffled press, the German spoke in Latin, a long dead language used only by scholars and high school students overpreparing for the SAT. Seemingly quoting medical and law textbooks, the man told the assembled media that he was a messenger from God, claiming that God told him that freeloading embryos must have total human rights, while tax paying and law abiding gay citizens may not be permitted to feel anything but shame.
Shame was a familiar theme throughout the delusional grandpa’s comments, leaving many Northeastern-based reporters in tears as they recalled eerily similar experiences as children.