by Jake Maccoby
As President Bush comes under great pressure at home to boycott the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Beijing to send a message of disapproval over China’s poor human rights record, Chinese officials are crossing their fingers in hopes the US President will indeed stay away.
Chinese officials have been wary for months with regard to the expected backlash if President Bush, who is very unpopular in China, were to set foot in Beijing for the Olympics.
“Fine, let them protest the Olympics. People have been talking about it for months,” said one Chinese official in an accent that could be easily and hilariously parodied by less professional reporters. “Protests, effigies, the whole nine yards. You think I want that to happen? Man, our toys are like 90% lead. We’ve got enough problems here as it is.”
China’s crackdown in Tibet has drawn criticism from all three presidential contenders. Senator Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton have both expressed their displeasure with the Chinese regime and their hopes that there can be a dialogue with the Dalai Lama. Senator John McCain went further, urging an “all-out war against the evil Shang Dynasty.”
Behind closed doors, the Chinese are enthusiastic about the prospect of a Bush boycott.
“Oh, man, I hope he doesn’t boycott us,” said one official in a moment of sarcasm. “That would just be so awful.” The official then laughed loudly and pretended to choke on a rice ball, a parody of the President’s guttural laugh inducing pretzel-choking incident.
Chinese spokespeople have stopped short of saying that the decades-old human rights violations with regard to Tibet were manufactured expressly to force President Bush to boycott the 2008 Olympics, but they didn’t reject the possibility out of hand.
“Dude, you think we care about Tibet? They can make their own country for all I care. But we’ve been beating the crap out of them for years—what’s it gonna take to get a boycott out of this guy?”
Some in the Chinese government say that respecting labor and human rights may actually be the best option.
“He’s a bit unpredictable, so maybe we have to take this thing in the other direction. He loves those Colombians, and they certainly are no champs of treating their people with respect. Something to think about; we’re getting desperate.”