by Jordan Zakarin
In a series of meetings at the Pentagon following last week’s outbreak of violence in Baghdad and Basra, sources in the White House say the Bush administration has become convinced that Pokémon have supplanted al-Qaeda in Iraq as the chief threat to peace and stability in the country.
In testimony to Congress this week, Army Gen. David H. Petraeus warned that rapid species growth, coupled with an increasing diversity of devastating special moves and improved hit point counts, could offer major problems to the 130,000 US troops and fledgling Iraqi Army working to secure the nation.
“They’re up to 493 different types of Pokemon, and that number just continues to creep upwards,” Petraeus said. “In 2006 alone, we saw an increase of 107 new species, and it doesn’t seem to be letting up. We’ve only begun to address the Blastoise’s Hydro Pump, and there’s still very little intelligence on the Charizard’s Flamethrower. And those are just first generation. How are we supposed to deal with Arceus — it was born from an egg in a vortex of pure chaos, for Christ’s sake.”
Secretary of State Robert Gates, in a news conference yesterday, spoke of the efforts the Pentagon is making to adjust to the burgeoning pocket monster threat. “Obviously, first thing’s first; we need to make a concerted effort to update our Pokédex, which has unfortunately been a victim of some neglect as we sought to combat other threats,” Gates said.
One defense official, on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the department had little-to-no data on those Pokémon in Gold and Silver edition, and remarked that administration higher-ups now deeply regret the politically motivated dismissal of top expert Professor Oak, who left the Pentagon in 2004 after expressing doubts publicly about plans to harness Pikachu-derived electricity to power generators throughout Baghdad.
Gates, later in his conference, also spoke about the importance of pooling resources and sharing intelligence with allies, emphasizing a strategic relationship with Brock and Misty, in particular. Ambassador Ryan Crocker, discussing the political situation at length in his Congressional testimony, admitted that there had been little progress in brokering an agreement with Team Rocket, and that both Jesse and James add additional variables to a tenuous at best situation.
Crocker, in his testimony, said that he will personally be making diplomatic visits to at least eight of the gym leaders, who serve as religious and military leaders for small sects throughout the nation.
Top intelligence analyst and Wigglytuff specialist Meghan Overdeep, speaking at a briefing for a number of military reporters, predicted coalition forces would have particular trouble with the high number of Diglets that make their home in the southern Mosul region. Of additional concern is the growing Snorlax population in the country, which have proven difficult for US troops to navigate their unarmored Hummers around. She also noted that lucrative military contracts given to a number of large arms makers have not yielded a sufficient number of Pokéballs, leaving the army shorthanded as it prepares to deal with the threat.
“It’s as if we were serenaded to sleep by a Jigglypuff, and we’ve woken up to find this giant Venosaur of a problem staring us in the face,” one Department official commented on condition of anonymity. “Now, it seems like we’ll never catch ’em all, and the threat has become a Psyduck of a headache. We’ll need some sort of magic to contain this threat, some sort of Alakazam type of trick to restore order to this situation.”