by Jake Maccoby and Jordan Zakarin
Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced in a statement Monday that they have fired thirty states from the New York Senator’s historic effort to win the Democratic nomination for president.
“Virginia? They’re fired,” said Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson. “Connecticut is gone. Missouri is totally fired. Colorado and Washington, too.”
When asked about the nature of the offenses perpetrated by these states, Wolfson was direct.
“Listen, when you’re running a campaign like this, the most important thing is making sure that everybody works together and everybody sticks with the candidate. We just can’t rely on states that don’t have any discipline.”
Clinton herself was characteristically more circumspect.
“I made a vow to the people of this country,” she said in a campaign stop in Allentown. “I promised that I would win this nomination and the presidency. Some states have become a hindrance towards the achievement of that goal, and so we have had to part ways. But I prefer to think not about the states we have lost from this campaign, but the states we have gained.”
She stressed that the rogue states had not been forced out. Rather, her campaign was simply not acknowledging their existence.
“Simply put, their interests conflicted with mine and those of this campaign, and so they stepped down,” she said. “I have a certain core set of beliefs, and I am unwilling to compromise them for a game of politics. And, since these states publicly disagreed with what this campaign is all about, my team has decided that it’s best for thirty states to be removed from this process. We didn’t want their role in the campaign to become a distraction or a source of controversy, and while I was sad to see them go, I respect my decision.”
As a result of these developments, Clinton said, these states will be unable to vote at the Democratic National Convention in August.
“They are no longer a part of my campaign,” said the presidential hopeful. “It wouldn’t make any sense to bring them to the nominating convention, obviously.”