Fed to Go Balls To the Wall

By Jake Maccoby and Jordan Zakarin

With its decision on March 14th to make a special loan to Bear Stearns and the resulting move soon after to become an emergency lender to all of the major investment firms, the Federal Reserve overturned a longstanding precedent under which it offered only limited direct backing to traditional banks. Now, an aggressive Fed has embraced and expanded its new role, which Fed Chief Ben Bernanke dubbed “balls to the wall” activism, setting the stage for deeper involvement both in the financial world and elsewhere in American society.

“Sure, we bailed out a few banks,” remarked Bernake in an interview. “But why stop there? We’ll eliminate unemployment, save the dollar, fix healthcare, repair social security, end the war in Iraq, and capture Osama bin Laden. We’re the Federal Reserve, baby, and we’re here to rock!”

Some critics of the move worry that the Fed has set a bad precedent in going outside of its traditional role, taking on too much responsibility by vowing to solve problems like global warming and fat chicks. Members of the organization, however, see the expansion as long overdue.

“We’ve been overlooked for too long,” said one official for the Federal Reserve who declined to give his name. “Like, oh, the economy’s faltering? Oh, well let’s just let the Fed bump interest up a fraction of a percent, then. Dude, fuck that- we fight wars now.”

The government, having unwittingly stumbled on what it now sees as a winning formula, is enthusiastic about further use of educated professionals to solve complicated problems after ignoring the option for the better part of two hundred years.

“Think about it,” said a senior policy analyst, who asked not to be named while discussing the use of eggheads. “Healthcare will be fixed by doctors and health professionals, diplomacy handled by experienced diplomats, and wars, which will always be the last-ditch option, will be fought by military leaders who understand the vast human cost of battle! It’s the way of the future!”

Excitement abounded amongst career government employees, who may actually get a chance to justify their miserable existences, and throughout state capitals, where state governments have long suffered under the seemingly arbitrary decisions of Washington, DC.

The Fed is moving quickly to implement its influence, holding weekend-long meetings in the Hyatt Regency hotel, which it commandeered by order of the FBI, which they now run. Two topics to be discussed include the Middle East peace process, which will be assigned to people with years of experience brokering deals between the Israelis and Palestinians, and the loosening of FCC ownership restrictions, which will be debated fairly by industry and consumer advocates, a first for the industry.

The Fed will also take charge of the national debt, and they expect their newly minted power to be useful in negotiations with those slanty-eyed bastards who keep buying up our debt. In addition, they will use the threat of military force against those countries that are owed money by the United States. Specifically, Bernake plans to tell such countries to “shove it up [your] greedy asses,” and to cement his position as a “baller.”

Also scheduled for discussion is the crumbling infrastructure system; in an exciting turn of events, the Army Corps of Engineers will be consulted for the first time since Eisenhower built the interstate highway system.

The decision to use knowledgeable and skilled professionals to help run the country has been met with much consternation from both the White House and Congress, who fear a precipitous loss of influence. When asked for his own views, President Bush was dismissive.

“America doesn’t want nerds and wedgie magnets running things,” he said during a casual interview on a golf course. “They want a decider. If they wanted eggheads in charge, they would have elected that Kerry guy in 2004. But they didn’t. They elected me. Now watch this drive.”

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