by Jake Maccoby
Governor Bill Richardson Friday made a heartfelt endorsement of the Taco Bell Burrito Supreme, calling it “the kind of once-in-a-lifetime burrito that can bring our nation together.”
The former congressman, ambassador, and energy secretary said that his decision had not come easily. In fact, he said, he had been on the verge of throwing his support to the Nachos Bel Grande as recently as two weeks ago.
“We are blessed to have two great American meals on the Taco Bell menu,” Richardson said during a rally to announce his support. “My affection and admiration for the Nachos Bel Grande will never waver. It has been very good to me, we have a very long history, and I feel a tremendous loyalty. But in the end, this decision has to be about the future.”
Both the Burrito Supreme and the Nachos Bel Grande, he said, had been calling him at all hours of the day and night for weeks, and he eventually felt compelled to make a decision. In the end, it came down to gut feeling, he said. “As a governor, you make a lot of important, executive decisions. I just couldn’t ignore certain facts: to start, that warm, soft, flour tortilla, wrapped around seasoned ground beef. That shows an intuitive understanding of the way the world works, especially when it comes to making burritos.
“Throw in the hearty beans, scintillatingly tangy red sauce, that crisp, shredded lettuce, real cheddar cheese… real cheddar cheese! And then, friends, diced onions, diced ripe tomatoes, and cool sour cream, and you have to be convinced that the Burrito Supreme is the right choice for America’s future. It boasts all that you could ask for in a truly transformative fast food Mexican dish.”
“But that’s not all, friends. The Burrito Supreme had the judgment and foresight to make itself available in both carne asada and all white-meat chicken,” the Governor continued, salivating at the thought of a new direction for America.
“Beef and chicken!” Richardson called out to the enthusiastic crowd. “Dark meat and light meat! This is exactly what we in America need right now. We can’t be tied to a meal that offers only steak, and no chicken, or only chicken, and no steak. This burrito calls upon us not just to dream about a less gastronomically divided America, but also to do the hard work needed to build such an America—by buying, and enjoying, the Burrito Supreme.”
Governor Richardson also made a point of praising the other options on the Big Bell Value Menu, saying that, while they had not remained in the contest, they were “a diverse and impressive selection that showcased all that is best in fast food.”
Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn immediately released a statement declaring that Governor Richardson’s endorsement had come too late to be of any use, and that “the majority of Americans have already made up their minds, and they have overwhelmingly agreed with Senator Clinton about whatever it was she said.” He went on to paint a picture of the utter doom and despair that would result if Americans were to choose the Burrito Supreme over the Nachos Bel Grande, and accused Governor Richardson of pandering to “the chalupa-slurping burrito-munchers.”
Governor Richardson has vowed to bring all his energy to bear in his support of the Burrito Supreme, and asserts that he will rarely be seen without it for the foreseeable future.