by Jordan Zakarin
Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia on Friday, holding talks with King Abdullah as the two brainstormed new, creative ways to fuck over the American people.
“I’ve been proud to call King Abdullah a friend for many years, and he and his family have been vital partners in the White House’s ongoing mission to make life as difficult and treacherous as possible for American citizens. This meeting today serves to reaffirm our partnership, and I look forward to working together to finding the best ways to cause as much hardship as possible to the lives of the average American.”
The Vice President was expected to focus on the War on Terror and the oil market, in particular. “We anticipate a healthy discussion about the Saudi Royal Family’s role in financing terrorist cells throughout the world, and hopefully can come to an agreement as to when their next funded hit on American soil takes place,” revealed one aide making the trip with Cheney. “Believe it or not, it’s been nearly seven years, and there is some impatience there.”
The aide also suggested that the two sides would create at least an outline of how many new extremist groups the Royal Family would support over the next two years, carrying into the administration of the next President.
Regarding oil, the Vice President sought assurances that, while production may increase temporarily to placate citizens groups, OPEC would soon taper down barrels per day by at least 35%, and keep prices at at least $124 per barrel, a double hit considering the weakening of the American currency. Cheney remarked that, “with enough elbow grease, we can guarantee that more families than ever will have to make a choice between food and heating bills next winter. The President and I beieve in a free market and consumer choice, and so these discussions will be key in maintaining Americans’ ability to choose.”
Aside from those two most crucial issues, the Cheney and King Abdullah were scheduled to discuss other, more insiduous ways to make the American people as inconvenienced as possible. The aide wrote in an email that, given the Royal Family’s world class stable of thoroughbred horses, millions of tons of horse feces could be imported and dumped on American city streets at a reduced rate. The operation would be modeled after an already successful pilot program in Washington, D.C.
In addition, Cheney hinted at the possibility of the Royal Family using its massive fortune to purchase in bulk American home mortgages and foreclosing on them within two months, with subprime holders being evicted from their homes within three weeks. In addition, he left open a chance that Saudi hitmen would take out American Idol judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson, leaving the nation stuck with Paula Abdul as the lone judge on the hit talent competition.
“I’m excited about the vast possibilities,” Cheney said while sipping a mojito and watching slave labor build yet another building in Dubai. “We’re blessed to have an ally as loyal as the King.”