Nationwide Birthday Party Held for Iraq War

by Jordan Zakarin

Huzzahs and celebration abound nationwide Wednesday as the country spent the day celebrating the fifth birthday of the War in Iraq. Unbridled joy reigned as street parades featuring thousands of birthday candles snaked their way through cities big and small, from Washington, D.C. to tiny Baker, Montana.

The festivities marked the largest celebration in honor of the war yet, as record numbers turned out to voice their support for the wildly successful conflict. Millions of Americans, registering their satisfaction with the way the War has been waged, marched with banners spelling out their support for the foreign policy masterstroke and burned candles in hope the great news will continue to flow like the unfettered, plentiful Iraqi oil.

President Bush, the mastermind behind the greatest endeavor in US foreign policy since Vietnam, spoke at the Pentagon and triumphantly flouted the flawless planning and execution of the war, and the irrefutable legacy it has already left in its wake. “The world is better, and the United States of America is safer,” the President said, as thunderous applause could be heard across the nation.

In Washington, D.C., one thousand people marched in a sign of solidarity with the President and Vice President Dick Cheney. Thirty people were arrested after their jubiliation became overexuberance, with one man, presumably a homosexual, lighting an effigy of the President on fire to display how hot he found Bush to be. Others chanted “No blood for oil”, thanking the administration for keeping their gas stations free of violent crime.

In Seattle, candles were handed out as the world’s largest human birthday cake was joyously organized. New York saw spontaneous song break out amongst the partiers, with each musical number dedicated to former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Meanwhile, outside Army bases around the country, tears of joy were spilled by the families of servicemen and women that served in Iraq, as they were unable to put into words their sheer enthusiasm for what many called “the world’s greatest field trip”.

Despite the national joy that ruled the day, there was every chance less than two years ago that this war would not live to see its fifth birthday, a notion that pained today’s revelers to even consider. With those vocal few inexplicably opposed to the operation garnering significant press attention, Americans had their faith in the President and his signature initiative put to the ballot. Thankfully, they say eighteen months later, the electorate selected a Congress in the 2006 midterm elections that had no intention of ending, or even making any changes to, the seemingly infallible military expedition in Iraq.

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