by Jordan Zakarin
Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain made a fiery speech in London yesterday, calling himself the best steward of the war in Iraq in the face of the dangerous threats posed Kaiser Wilhelm’s World War I era German empire. McCain, who would become the oldest first term president if elected in November, warned in a speech on Wednesday of the disruption the German dictator had the potential to cast upon hard fought gains in security.
“My friends, dar Kaiser is a maniacal dictator bent on preventing the spread of democracy around the world. He, along Central Power allies Austria-Hungary and the Ottoman Empire, are a grave threat to flourishing freedom that is taking hold in Iraq,” McCain said in the address. “As demonstrated by their recent breach of their neutrality agreement with Belgium, the Kaiser is not to be trusted, and America cannot surrender to the Bavarian emperor’s oppressive regime.”
McCain called for solidarity against the Central Powers, and urged the Iraqi Parliament to continue its efforts at political reconciliation. “The Prussian Kingdom may have declared a temporary cease fire, but my friends, let us not be naive. Only complete victory will suffice in this epic struggle in Iraq against Eastern European extremists,” the Arizona senator asserted, noting that while the cease fire has helped temper violence in the past year, there was a crucial battle yet to be fought over the ideology and worldview of the two factions.
“Theirs is a hateful ideology, of German supremacy, dark ale, gigantic soft pretzels and risqué underground tavern acts. We must not blink in the face of history and allow Wilhelm’s insiduous dreams of world domination to take hold on the streets of Iraq,” McCain continued. “If we do not win this battle over here, the war will surely follow us back to our shores. Imagine an America where all children were forced to dress in lederhosen, and behavior considered to be stereotypically homosexual in our present culture is considered the norm amongst men. My friends, the stakes are too great to allow these Germans to torpedo our progress.
“They have dug trenches around Baghdad, and their Zeppelins loom as large obstacles in our fight against radical Islam. But mark my words, we will prevail. The security of the United States, as well as freedom around the world, depends on it, and we all know those lazy Bolsheviks won’t produce the goods when the heat is on.”
He continued his grave warnings, rejecting as “cowardly” the tactics of opposition forces. “Those who blow themselves up, who indiscriminately kill civilians, are the worst kind of cowards. As President, I will do everything in my power to end kamikaze bombings on the streets of Iraq.”
Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama immediately seized on the the statements, releasing his own statement that read in part: “How can Senator McCain claim to want to create a lasting peace when he continues to stoke the fire of Prussian aggresion? Perhaps no one told him that Otto von Bismark was no longer Chancellor of the German empire. Maybe that is why he completely fails to understand that the war in Iraq has done more to embolden America’s enemies than any strategic choice that we have made in decades.”
Hillary Clinton, trying to assert herself as McCain’s foreign policy equal in building her case as the most electable Democrat, said in public comments that “we’ll get those Krauts.”