by Jordan Zakarin
As Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the only two legitimate politicians with any shot of winning the presidency in November, continue to battle it out in the remaining primary states, Americans, unable to keep from staring, are turning their attention to an elderly and senile self-described “candidate” named John McCain as he rambles on about why he’d make a good Emperor.
The voting public is mixed in its reaction to the blathering, crusty McCain, who has to this point been largely left in the corner to make his inane suggestions and bizarre proposals for a future he surely will spend very little time in. But with a growing voice and increasing media attention, Americans have found it harder and harder to simply smile and nod.
McCain’s several dozen backers see charm in his bizarre, dementia-induced behavior. Some have remarked that they find McCain, who claims to have made a brief appearance in the Book of Leviticus, to be “cute” when strains to see the teleprompter and occasionally spittles on himself during fundraising dinners. Dubbing him “America’s Grandpa”, they reason his age may serve him well.
“There’s something to be said for having a president who was in his sexual prime when Howdy Doody ruled the airwaves,” remarked Mark Arrinson, one of McCain’s seven precinct captains throughout the nation. “We can really use that kind of experience… given the price of gas and our energy crisis, having someone who knows how to saddle up a horse and buggy may prove very valuable.”
Those wary of the Depends-toting candidate see his age through a very different prism. Where some see a wide ranging, if warped, breadth of knowledge, others see McCain’s signature proposals, such as forty acres and a mule for emancipated slaves, as arcane and out of touch with the current needs of the American people.
“Sure, it’s a funny novelty, an original signer of the Declaration of Independence running for President in this day in age,” said Katherine Halter, a registered independent from Minneapolis. “But just look at some of the things he’s suggesting. Tax cuts for the rich, expanding unfair trade agreements, and continuing a wasteful war in Iraq? I can’t even remember when people actually took those ideas seriously. It’s scary.”
Indeed, questions have been raised as to how McCain was able to so easily sneak out of the sun baked mortuary-state of Arizona, which he claims to represent in the Senate. In fact, Arizona has no Congresional representation as a state-in-name-only populated by corpses and Mexicans.
While the public remains split between finding the Geriatric Party’s candidate amusing and a little bit smelly and disgusting, a number of prominent media outlets are looking to cash in. Last week, the Walt Disney Company announced that it had bought the movie rights to the story, and have since begun pre-production on a feature film based on the McCain candidacy. With Andy Rooney attached to play the feature role, the film, set in 16th-century Spain, is set to begin shooting by July.