Source: Spitzer “Fucks Himself”; Charges $80,000

by Jordan Zakarin

According to high level aides in Albany, who agreed to speak under condition on anonymity, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, “really fucked himself”. The source’s claim appears to add another layer to the already tawdry sex scandal that prompted his resignation earlier this week.

A Really Serious News investigation into Spitzer campaign finance records, reveals that the campaign made under the table payments of up to $80,000 for 20 hours of work — payments in the form of checks made out to the campaign itself.

That Spitzer performed sexual acts on himself seemed to be somewhat of an open secret in the capital, with legislators, journalists and citizens alike making similar remarks about the former governor, who before last week was best known for his aggressive prosecution of corporate crime as the state’s Attorney General and seen as a rising star in Democratic politics. Among the statements from Albany insiders, it was heard that Spitzer was “really fucked”, “blew the big one”, “ate it”, and, perhaps most revealingly, “fucked himself up the ass”.

Spitzer’s alleged feats of anatomical improbability did not surprise veteran lawmakers in Albany, who had a sour relationship with the Governor that ran on a platform of changing the way the gridlocked state capital operated and had sought to unilaterally institute many reforms from the day he was sworn into office in January 2007.

Calling him egotistical and self-centered, Assembly minority leader James Tedesco seemed to both reflect the sentiments of many of his fellow legislators, as well as foreshadow this strange, self-flagellating turn in the scandal when he remarked that “Spitzer has always been a jerkoff, and is simply far too ham-handed to get anything done.”

Perhaps the most mysterious aspect of the new scandal came with the news of the illicit payments the campaign funneled to itself. Already stung by a link with an expensive third-person prostitute, veteran prosecutors and defense attorneys alike were confounded by the legal implications of the $80,000 Spitzer paid himself for sex. Generally, these cases apply to minors, who are exempt from the archaic laws governing such affairs since the legislature’s manual override of 1980.

New York State Bar Association Vice President Michael Rimback said that it was unclear if the circular payments constituted prostitution, or if it was even possible to prostitute to oneself; there is no statute prohibiting masturbatory activity in New York State, outside the jurisdiction of Cardinal Egan’s Archdioceses. He explained that the case was complicated by the unauthorized use of a financier’s names on the payments, as well as whether self-payment could be considered kickback, or just a simple legal reach around.


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