Campaigns Seek Distance From “Delusional” Religious Leaders

by Jordan Zakarin

The campaigns of the two candidates for the Democratic nomation for President, Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, sought Saturday to distance themselves from what they called the “radical” and “delusional” sermons and beliefs of every religious leader in the nation.

In an interview with Really Serious News, Senator Obama asserted his strong stance on the increasingly controversial matter. “For the past twenty years I have been a devout Christian, and my faith plays a significant role in my daily life, but I do not agree with those statements made by and beliefs held by these unfortunately misguided men, and women if you count the sissy denominations. This is a campaign based on real solutions for America’s problems, not some pie-in-the-sky fantasy that everything will be solved by a man who magically rises from the dead. Let’s get real, here.”

The Illinois Democrat added, “if we were counting on a dead man fixing everything, Senator McCain would be leading in the polls.”

Likewise, Clinton, the junior senator from New York, said in a statement that in her “35 years of experience, [I] have never seen fishes turned into loaves, or water into wine. If it was possible, we’d be off foreign oil and the hard working Americans now struggling with outrageous gas prices would be pumping their magic carpets with body of Christ ethanol.”

In a broad missive aimed at the delirious Priests, Reverands, Ministers, Pastors, Rabbis, Immams, Shamans, Tribal Chiefs, Wise Elders and Healers that may seek to associate their benzedrine-fueled garble with their real-life presidential ambitions, both Senators pledged that they would focus on the struggling economy and ending the War in Iraq, not pandering to what Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean called “a set of wackjobs that believe our future is entrusted to a two thousand year old non-union carpenter.”

Meanwhile on Saturday, both candidates continued to court the party lawmakers, leaders and elders, known as superdelegates, that hold the fate of the nomination, the presidency, and perhaps the the nation, in their hands.

Both Obama and Clinton continue to poll higher amongst Christian conservatives than presumptive Republican nominee John McCain.

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