by Jordan Zakarin
In a video-teleconference with reporters from an undisclosed location, Dick Cheney announced that he will be seeking his third term as Shadow President in this November’s pseudo-elections. In front of a background that appeared to be some sort of cave and/or Naval control center, the 67-year old said that he would begin his superfluous, unseen campaign for the uncontested position on Monday, with a series of biographical high pitched subliminal tones broadcast on major television and radio networks.
“When I assumed this office in January 2001,” Cheney explained, “I had a number of things that I wanted to accomplish for this fine nation. Many of those things, we’ve gotten done, but I’ve yet to impose my will on the American people as fully as I deem satisfactory. As such, I will be serving a third term come 2009.
“Of course, I’ll certainly ‘campaign’ hard for it, but I’m confident that I will be the unanimous choice of those who make the decisions regarding such things.”
After taking a brief break to exacerbate hunger in Rwanda, Cheney described the accomplishments he was most proud of during his seven and a half years in shadow office.
“Well, certainly, the War in Iraq has to be considered at least one of the crowning achievements, if I’m being truthful,” the generally modest Cheney said. “I pulled that one off despite huge opposition worldwide, and the fact that we’ve been able to keep it going despite the abject hatred for it in this country now, really shows how much I’ve grown into this role.”
Boastfulness unleashed, the Shadow President began to rattle off a list of his top conquests, both domestic and international. “Now, of course, we’ve got the sinking economy, outsourcing of millions of jobs, and a little thing I like to call ‘four dollar ten cent a gallon oil,’ which, I won’t lie, feels good. Real good.”
Incredulous that he almost forgot to name it, Cheney then added, “oh, and probably chief amongst all of them, global warming. That’s long been a goal, since the 70’s at least, and we’re definitely on track with that one, I’m proud to say.”
As for the future and his third term as the dark overlord of American government, the Shadow Presidential candidate was hopeful of getting an even longer list of policy goals implemented, though he largely demured when it came to disclosing them.
“I think we’ve seen that the American people certainly don’t mind being left in the dark on most things, so long as we don’t violate certain standards, like four wheel drive and football on Sundays,” Cheney said. “Strong schools, clean drinking water, children playing in the sprinklers during summertime, celebrating Christmas with family and friends. These are the sorts of things that really matter to the American people, so maybe that’ll give you some idea of what I’m looking to do in this third term.”