Boca Hilton Manager Says He’d Vote for McCain

by Jordan Zakarin

Four years after presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain vacationed at a Hilton in Boca Raton, Florida, the luxury resort’s manager says that he will be voting for the GOP standard bearer come November.

In a wide-ranging interview, Roger Daniels says that he came to appreciate McCain over the Arizona Senator’s week long stay at the hotel that he has managed for the past six years, and has no doubts that, from what he saw, McCain would be a perfect fit to lead the free world.

“No doubt in my mind, the John McCain I got to know during those seven days, he’s a man of class and dignity,” Daniels said. “We see so many tourists every year, but sometimes, certain ones stick out, and he was definitely one that had ‘fun in the sun’ written all over him.”

“[McCain] was a quiet, stoic guest, who particularly enjoyed lounging out by one of our two Olympic sized pools or, sometimes, one of three family-themed pools,” he continued. “He didn’t really swim, but, unlike many people relaxing by the water, didn’t get too angry when kids would inevitably hit him with an errant splash here and there. It takes a big man to not allow that to interrupt or even ruin a nap — nothing seemed to ruin his nap, and that’s something that’s a big relief to waterfront staff. Inter-guest disputes are always the hardest to deal with, and in that way, he was very diplomatic.”

Daniels said that McCain also was a dream to have as a diner, as he often ordered the same meal from room service around 4:00 pm, making it easy and efficient for the kitchen and waitstaff to serve such a distinguished guest. “When you’ve got someone of such high stature, you are always stressing about getting it right,” a glowing Daniels explained. “But, God bless him, Mr. McCain was like clockwork, everyday with the asparagus, grilled cheese and pureed carrots. It really just shows what kind of man he was.”

The 18-year hospitality industry veteran also praised the GOP nominee’s easy going nature at nightly events such as family friendly acoustic guitar concerts and arts and crafts. “Now, he wasn’t too successful at the basket weaving, though no less so than his wife, who I’ll admit lodged a few complaints, mostly at the limited selection we had at our on-facility pharmacy, but he really gave it all. One time, a little girl walked up to him and gave him this beautiful door sign she made with his name on it. I think he was at first confused, but then very touched, and it’s that type of person that I think we should be looking for.”

A strong proponent of Florida tourism, Daniels said that he and McCain, long an advocate of Arizona’s desert resorts, often had friendly debates about the merits of the two locales, “but nothing that wasn’t done with total respect for one another. He really just couldn’t stand the humidity, he was much more of a dry heat guy.”

One topic of contention with Daniels were the voluminous reports of towel shortages, late housekeeping and snappy concierge, claims that he vehemently denied. “People like to say certain things to get an leg up in this cat and mouse game that’s played between guest and hotel,” he said. “They think they can earn free nights or room service by making those complaints, and it’s quite a shame.” Daniels pointed to photos of happy customers that were featured prominently on the Hilton’s corporate website, offering them as proof of the terrific conditions at the hotel.

A McCain spokesperson gave a brief comment on the interview during a press conference, saying only that, “while Senator McCain appreciates the support of each and every American who have pledged it his campaign, it is ludicrous what this hotel fellow is saying. There is no doubt that Senator McCain and his fellow vacationers have seen dirty deck chairs, lukewarm jacuzzis and far too few towels than desired. I think it’s clear that the Senator has a long record of straight talk, and so while we acknowledge and agree with the manager’s assessment of Mr. McCain’s character, we obviously have a disagreement about what constitutes luxurious.”

Bush: McCain Best for “Maybe, Maybe Not” Terrorist Attacks

by Jordan Zakarin and Jake Maccoby

President Bush dipped his toe in electoral waters in a speech in Annapolis on Thursday, voicing his confidence in presumptive Republican nominee John McCain’s ability to handle any terrorist attacks that may or may not occur throughout the country late this coming January.

Pressed by reporters for more details, Bush named ten states as particularly at-risk targets, though he was quick to point out that “it wasn’t a total definite.” The President added that, while he could not be sure of the dates these attacks just may occur on, it would probably be somewhere between January 21st and 23rd.

The frank release of confidential intelligence came as a surprise to the audience of military personnel, most of whom were unaware of such a breadth of terror targets. A number of officers in attendance said they were also a bit shocked that not only Bush identified states that could be hit, he divulged which individual landmarks and tourist attractions that had a strong chance of being attacked by terrorists that only John McCain could handle.

Amongst the most prominent targets Bush said he could definitely envision getting terrorized under certain circumstances were Disney World in Florida and the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Ohio.

“There’s certainly a chance that either one, or both, of those iconic tourist attractions could get blasted to oblivion this January,” Bush remarked. “I can just imagine Cindarella’s Castle up in flames, the Epcot Spaceship Earth, you know, that big golf ball, just imploding, shattering everywhere. And then you’ve got that music place in Cleveland — think about all that destruction, all the people that would die. The finest in Americana burnt down. Just a premonition, but definitely something to think about.”

The President continued to rattle off other places at risk for a terrorist strike, next naming Hershey, Pennsylvania as having a bulls-eye on its chocolate producing back. “There is a grave chance that this hub of delicious family fun could be hit by a missile or some small industrial-grade chemical attack,” Bush warned. “I really would not want to see such a terrible loss of life and sweets, so I’m hoping John McCain is elected so he can use his years of experience to stop the attacks, as only he could.”

Bush also pointed to Area 51 in New Mexico as having “definitely a good chance of getting blown up, which is unfortunate since we have so much shit there you people don’t even know about yet.” He continued, saying that, “it would totally wreck our movie industry, though. Imagine a world without Independence Day starring Will Smith. Then we’d probably have no Men in Black, no Ali, no Hitch, and this summer we’d be without that wisecracking, anti-superhero Hancock. Am I getting through to you people yet? No John McCain equals no Fresh Prince, America.”

Finally, rounding out his list of terror targets, Bush mentioned “some corn place” in Iowa, “some cheese or pot place” in Vermont and “some skiing” place in New Hampshire as particularly threatened come January 21st if John McCain is not elected President.

“We all have choices to make, America. Make sure yours is the right one,” Bush concluded.

McCain Proposes $300 Million for New Adult Diaper

by Jordan Zakarin

Speaking Monday in Fresno, California, the heart of the Silicon Valley, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain called on the nation’s leading innovators to put their talents to use for their country, and offered a substantial reward for doing so.

The 72-year old McCain proposed a $300 million prize for whoever can develop a more efficient adult diaper that would be environmentally friendly while making easier the life of each and every American. He said that the sum, a dollar for every American citizen, was a small price to pay for greater size, capacity and comfort.

“For too long we have relied on big government and big business to remedy this problem, and we have yet to see any real results from those years of patience,” McCain said. “We must make the transition to rewarding the ingenuity of our finest engineers and diaper experts to make this important dream a reality. Depends, your monopoly on the market for incontinence insurance has expired, as far as this young, vital presidential candidate is concerned.”

The Arizona Senator outlined the requirements for the new product, which he promised would “change the way each and every person, every single citizen, every man, woman and child of every age in this fine country functions on a day to day basis.

“Middle class and working Americans nationwide know that as they campaign for the Presidency of the United States, they need something they can rely on, something they don’t even need to think twice about.”

First, pointing to leaks that often drain the item prematurely, contributing to unnecessary pollution, McCain insisted it must be safe and self contained, with little chance of spontaneous combustion so that the user may feel comfortable using the new technology.

“This particular aspect is crucial to the design. My friends, any one of my fellow Americans could find themselves a victim to this costly and environmentally hazardous inefficiency at any time, like say when they were shaking hands at a New Hampshire lunch counter, meeting other fellow American citizens that may be interested in what they had to say, or might even want to give them some money. Then, all of a sudden, leaks, pollution, global warming, and the American citizen is left embarrassed on the world stage. We cannot be embarrassed by this any longer.”

Next, the Republican said, the new diaper must be light and require as little energy as possible, creating little to no drag for maximum efficiency in travel. Third, the McCain stipulated that the innovation was quiet and unassuming, a far cry from the large ones on the market today that unmistakably announce their presence.

“We’re looking for something reliable, safe, and not at all noticeable. So unassuming that most people don’t even know it’s there, it just does its job in silence,” he said. “America, there is no shame in asking for change. Or a change.”

Bush, McCain Call for End to Moratorium on Terrible Ideas

by Jordan Zakarin

In a speech Wednesday in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush joined John McCain in requesting Congress lift the 27-year old ban on terrible ideas as the two work to promote a number of horrific non-solutions to the nation’s energy crisis.

“I agree with Senator McCain that the only way we can address these skyrocketing fuel prices is by doing what we do best,” Bush said, “which requires maximum leeway in crafting, promoting and implementing idiotic, senseless policies that will do little if anything to help the American people while causing further damage to our environment and economy. As such, I’m asking Congress to make sure we have the greatest opportunity to do so.”

Bush’s call for terrible ideas was prefaced with his statement of support for John McCain’s assertion that the United States should begin “environmentally safe oil drilling” in waters close to major tourist hot spots and nature reserves. Bush snickered at the silliness of his friend’s idea from the podium, as reporters noted that not only would the oxymoronically-termed drilling undoubtedly pollute valuable vacation beaches and poison already endangered sea life, most estimates say that it would be over twenty years before any significant impact in oil production or prices was felt.

When the questioning was over, Bush chimed in, making sure reporters “don’t forget that it would do nothing to further the cause of alternative energy research or have any sort of impact in the fight against global warming,” which is believed to be caused by carbon emissions, mostly from burning oil. He also was quick to point out that the main beneficiaries of the idea would be already flourishing oil companies. “So let’s not shortchange this idea.”

Beyond the preposterous oil drilling proposal, Bush said he had a number of other “real winners sitting in the back of the ol noggin, waiting for their chance before I mosey back down to Texas this winter.”

Among his most favoritest, Bush said, was further deregulation of the mortgage industry, targeted tax cuts to hedge fund managers, coining quarters and dimes from mercury and plutonium, bar codes on squirrels,  and a restriction on apple juice sales to illegal immigrants. Asked to justify his proposal for further deregulation of the mortgage industry, the President insisted that he believed that, “those people function best without the man breathing down their neck. That’s when they can be creative and really solve problems.”

In a joint response suggesting that the President had never allowed the wishes of Congress to stop him before, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that “The Iraq War, tax cuts for the rich and No Child Left Behind have proven that the President took little heed,” in what the legislative branch had to say.

Not entirely true, Bush replied.

“It’s true that in my first six years, I had a bit of a looser leash, and look, we got a lot of things done, everything we wanted to accomplish. Now, thanks to the obstructionist tactics of this Democratic Congress, the past year and a half has seen precious little progress on a number of our top priorities. This is simply a way to remedy that situation and get started again with our big, shitty plans.”

Not to be overshadowed by the man he is trying to replace, McCain went one further in his plans to come to a horrible solution to the energy crisis, calling on the United States to create 100 new nuclear power plants in the coming years. “Why not?,” McCain said. “I was there in Nagasaki, that shit was awesome. No downside.”

McCain Accuses Obama of Having July 3rd Mindset

by Jordan Zakarin

Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain accused Democratic Rival Barack Obama of having a “July 3rd mindset” during a conference call with reporters on Tuesday, touching off a war of words between the two candidates that played out through the media.

“With all due respect, I frankly believe that Senator Obama is living in a pre-July 4th world,” McCain said. “Perhaps he does not quite grasp the gravity of what occurred on that otherwise quiet summer day in the summer of 1776, but I do, because I was there.”

Continuing his attack, the Arizona Senator said that he believed that Obama was guilty of naïvely underestimating the threat that is facing the United States. “What my opponent does not understand, is that we must remain on the offensive, ever vigilant against the unrelenting desire to destroy our democracy that drives King George’s fanatical Red Coats.”

Obama fired back at the GOP standard bearer, saying the accusations were both false and a sign of the McCain campaign’s weakness. “Let me say that, I respect John McCain’s service to his country. He displayed bravery all those years ago. But for him to accuse me of being naïve, that just smacks of desperation. He wouldn’t be attacking me if he didn’t think his record could stand on its own. We all know he’d just be a continuation of King George.”

Later in the day, McCain responded with a defense of his foreign policy and military credentials, a resume that he hopes to turn into a cornerstone of his campaign. He hammered Obama for not meeting with the top generals in charge of the Continental Army, saying he was in close contact with a number of Colonial military leaders.

“Perhaps Senator Obama does not truly understand the situation we are in because he has not taken the time to meet the heroes that are waging this war against the King’s forces,” McCain charged. “I have known Generals Washington and Morgan for years, having served with them in the French-Indian War. Horatio Gates and Lafayette are also close personal friends of mine. And I’ve visited with all of those great men on the battlefields of this war, amidst the fog of the muskets and cannons, and the bayonets breathing down our throats. So don’t tell me I don’t understand this modern day enemy.”

A short time later, McCain made his most piercing remarks, echoing President Bush’s speech in Israel last month that suggested that Obama was appeaser in the vein of Neville Chamberlain.

“My opponent likes to talk about hope, but my friends, my most sincere hope for this country is that it is not taken down from the inside by Tory loyalists and tea-tax sympathizers,” a now impassioned McCain said. He continued to hammer away at Obama, whom he called “someone who apparently believes Bunker Hill could have been avoided if we had all sat down together and ‘talked’ like nice colonists.”

“Now, for all the talking the Senator from Illinois likes to do about judgment, let me remind my fellow Americans that are unsure of the distinction between the two of us, that I was the first to go out on a limb, bucking both Federalists and Jeffersonian Democrat-Republicans, in calling for a change in strategy in the war. Now that the strategy I advocated, General George Washington’s strategic retreats through New York, is being utilized, I believe we have taken a significant turn in this war.”

Obama had the final word, at a late-night rally in Michigan, where he insisted that McCain was too entrenched in an outdated politics to make an effective commander-in-chief. “Today, we are in need of a new kind of politics, a hopeful foreign policy, and I’m afraid John McCain is stuck in the past, fighting the same old battles that Americans and British alike are ready to move on from.”

McCain Discovers the Internet

by Jordan Zakarin

After two hours of busy signals, Republican nominee John McCain signed onto America Online late Saturday night, marking the 72-year old Arizona Senator’s first experience with the internet.

McCain, his interest piqued by an AARP commercial advertising its website, applied for a free AOL demo disc. After the program failed to run on his typewriter, he had staff direct him to a more advanced typing box, and after a number of hours spent playing solitaire, he picked the screen name MacDaddy08 and attempted to sign on.

Once he recovered from ducking under his desk in fear of his dial-up modem’s screeching sound, McCain was instantly enamored with the new cyber world that he had discovered.

“I heard Ted Stevens babbling on and on about the ‘series of tubes,’ but I thought it was just another one of his nonsensical fits of paranoia,” McCain said. “Then I sit down at this typewriter/television contraption, and it’s like, bam, where did this come from? It’s like this thing just snuck up on me.”

Once he was connected, McCain surfed with all the vigor his 72-year old fingers could muster. After answering a few a/s/l requests in AOL’s Pillow Talk 7208231 chat room, McCain made a beeline for world wide web, beginning his browser adventure by Googling himself. He soon found his way to Ask Jeeves, where the Republican nominee was delighted to see a cartoon version of himself dressed up in a tuxedo, like an English butler.

When asked about how the internet could impact his campaign, McCain, in his first e-mail ever, said he didn’t foresee much opportunity for it to make any significant difference. “Wut am I gonna do, create a website? Only geeks, 4-i’s and pervs do that. Nd wut could it do 4 me, neways? ppl r only interested in the Hamster Dance, which, by the way, is absolutely hilarious. ROLFMAO.”

After a string of fourteen straight emoticons, McCain continued, saying, “listen, at this point, it’s all about the benjamins, am I right? Unless people can somehow take money and send it thru the email or a website, it’s useless. And unless I’m totally off-base here, sending paper, and especially metal coins, is impossible to do.”

When asked about Net Neutrality, the term for the freedom to broadcast and access any content without price or access restrictions from internet providers, a fierce battle over which is being waged in Congress, the Arizona Republican was resolute in his response. “Believe me, there is no one who values freedom more than I do, and I steadfastly believe that we must spread it around the world,” he said.

Continuing on, McCain forcefully declared that, “the United States will not sit on the sidelines and be neutral in a time of conflict. So while we must carefully protect and spread freedom, sometimes it takes a war to do so. If there is an imminent threat, we will not hesitate to launch an attack on the Internet.”

For McCain, Lieberman Reaches Out to Seven Voters that Care What Lieberman Thinks

by Jordan Zakarin

In an e-mail sent out Thursday evening, Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman announced that he was forming a committee to appeal to all seven voters in America that still take anything he says seriously, an effort that he hoped would draw people to the campaign of Republican nominee John McCain.

The committee, officially named Irrelevants for McCain, will be an umbrella group of the Arizona Senator’s general election campaign, working to find the coma patients, gullible and poorly researched voters that Lieberman calls his base.

Having gone down in defeat to a Republican ticket in the 2000 election as Al Gore’s Vice Presidential running mate, and then being kicked out of his party by Democratic voters in Connecticut six years later, Lieberman wrote that his unique experience in bipartisanship would help put at ease the minds of those voters who have yet to reject him, a number that could counted on one mildly mutated hand.

Lieberman had long brushed against the grain of his party, strongly condemning President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and then speaking out in defense of the War in Iraq. When he endorsed McCain, a longtime friend and colleague, for President in 2007, it was seen by many in the party as the last straw. As the election heats up, Democratic leaders in the Senate are beginning to echo that sentiment. That, along with the enmity he earned campaigning against the current administration in 2000, has left him in perfect position to lobby for McCain, he said.

“My entire career in public life, I have worked to bridge the gap between this partisan divide, uniting Democrats and Republicans,” Lieberman wrote. “I believe that in the past eight years, I have created a unique constituency, one that puts no value in the debate between right and left, one that stands stands in the ever shrinking middle because it is hated on either side. I am proud to say that, as custodian of that group of catatonic Americans, I will be working to deliver their voters to Senator McCain, despite the fact that they would not be able to form a minyan.”

Initial reactions for the Connecticut senator’s efforts were tepid, as five of the seven that still thought he presented any sort of leadership or rational thinking were unavailable for comment; five were preparing their homes for Y2K, while the other two were last seen waiting outside a local movie theater, first in line for tickets to Titanic.

Clinton Signals Willingness to Undermine Obama’s Campaign

by Jordan Zakarin

As she prepares to concede the race for the Democratic Nomination for President, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has begun transmitting signals through surrogates and supporters that she would be receptive to undermining newly clinched nominee Barack Obama’s chances of winning the Presidency.

Clinton has publicly disavowed a number of letters and petitions by former supporters who want to see her in a formal position to destroy the campaign, saying that they are acting independently and that the choice belonged to Obama. However, Clinton has not been shy in saying that, if given the opportunity, she would be very interested in sabotaging Obama’s historic bid for the White House.

Despite informal, hypothetical conversations regarding Clinton’s role in a general election and beyond between aides from both camps, the two finalists for the nomination have yet to communicate beyond a congratulations phone call since Obama sealed up the six month contest on Tuesday, so it is unclear where the relationship between the two stands after a long, divisive campaign.

In a e-mail to her national mailing list on Thursday, Clinton thanked the millions who had volunteered, donated money and voted for her in the primaries and caucuses, saying that she looked forward to the next stage of the election and promising that she would continue fighting for what the issues she based her campaign around.

“From dog whistle and then latent race baiting, to accusing Obama of naivety and weakness on foreign policy; from questioning his ability to govern, to calling him an elitist who is out of touch with the majority of American citizens —  she’s still got so much to offer to this election,” said a close friend and Democratic activist who requested to remain anonymous. “She may have lost the primary, but Hillary, always so single minded and determined to fight, she can still leave a big impact on this thing.”

In an election that will feature prominent debate on both a sagging economy and a continuously more unpopular war in Iraq, Clinton’s barbs could create significant difficulty for the young Illinois Senator in his efforts to establish his credentials in both areas. As Obama hammers home his message of change on these issues, among others, Clinton could hamper those efforts significantly if given the opportunity.

“We all know that Democrats lost in 2004 because voters were apprehensive about changing strategies in the middle of a war, especially when faced with a candidate who was called an elitist and whose gravitas on national security had been challenged from the right,” said Terrence M. Oliff, a Political Science professor at SUNY Chappaqua. “Combine that with the whole alienating blacks and women thing, and she could really deliver this election. To McCain.”

Blotter: Black Man Arrested For Beating White Woman

by Jordan Zakarin

A 46-year old African American man was arrested by federal agents on Tuesday night in Illinois for allegedly beating a 60-year old white woman. The suspect was finally captured after a six month manhunt that allegedly saw him beat the woman in 32 different states and territories.

Witnesses say that, before she finally succumbed, the woman put up a fierce fight; however, the half a year of beatings took a terrible mental toll on the victim, who is now prone to making confused, outlandish statements as a result of blunt force trauma.

The alleged assaulter had gained a cult following amongst confused youths, and has rallied a defiant African American community behind him, exposing latent racial riffs that still plague the country.

As he was taken away by police, the accused was heard making threatening promises towards a next victim, a 71-year old white man from a retirement community in Arizona.

The victim’s husband, a prominent member of his community, in New York at the time of the arrest, was said to be livid, swearing revenge, asking prosecutors to force his wife upon the attacker for a period of up to eight years.

McCain Declared Healthy Compared to Rotting Corpse of Gerald Ford

By Jake Maccoby

Following the release last week of Senator John McCain’s medical records, Dr. Philip A. Hinkley, a physician to the Republican nominee-in-waiting, said today that the Arizona Senator is in “better shape than any president who served before 1976.” The records were perused for an allotted three hours by reporters as his campaign declared him to be in excellent health for a man whose own bodily store of mold cured his syphilis long before the discovery of penicillin.

Still, the McCain campaign released the information on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend in order to lessen the coverage of his numerous ailments, including “gallstone hemorrhoids,” “chronic mastadonia,” and the plague.

Spokesman Charlie Black said McCain’s health records clearly assuaged any and all concerns that he would be unable to handle the grueling life of a presidential nominee.

“If you look at the records, you will find that Senator McCain is in much better shape than a great many of our past presidents who served with distinction,” said Black. “Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Lyndon Johnson—all of these men served our nation, and Senator McCain’s health can be favorably compared with theirs in many respects.”

Black went on to name several specific illnesses that Senator McCain suffers from to a lesser degree than do former presidents Ford, Reagan, and Johnson, including “worms” and “decomposition.” On the whole, Black said that he was “glad to be able to put the issue of Senator McCain’s health to rest. Just bury that notion.”

There were, however, lingering concerns that Mr. McCain’s condition was so blithely declared “healthy” by the media after his records were made available for only three hours.

“Three hours?” said Dr. Albert Meinheimer, a professor of Paleontology at the University of Pennsylvania. “There is simply no way that, given that amount of time, you could even scratch the surface of his vast list of illnesses, maladies, allergies, disabilities, and malfunctions.” The list, said Dr. Meinheimer, included Irritable Coccyx Disorder, Menstrual Tyranny, and Boobles. A more extensive list also includes Nasal Dyspepsia, Infant Bosnian Apostasy, Acute Colon Apathy, Rectal Irrigation, and a severe case of the skivvies.

Senator McCain is also the only known victim of Restless Leg Syndrome.

McCain Campaign officials dismissed these ailments as trifling, arguing that “Senator McCain in his current condition is more able to govern this great nation than Ronald Reagan, Franklin Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln put together.”